(this post is just random details and can be totally avoided to save time, untill i come up with something better)
Hello, people of wordpress!
First of all I’m so extremely grateful for your presence in my life. Thanks for reading, supporting and commenting on my posts when clearly I’m not able to do the same for you the way I used to do before. This means the world to me.
Thanks for being that voice I need to hear for myself, a voice that cares about me and not every irrelevant person.
I fell sick twice last month. The rains riddled whole country with all sorts of diseases. It’s scary. Our emergencies were full. So I don’t even know what I had. My case felt more like burnout/exhaustion.
It took me time to recover to an extent, as I also lost my appetite and had a constant weird metallic taste in my mouth so I wasn’t really eating much.
Now I’m better. Weakness is there but I will be fine.
These days there’s less work load so I am planning to start working out and eating healthy to build a routine that I can continue later.
25th September was an important kinda day for me.
This is what I wrote that day but couldn’t post.
“Last year today, I left my home, my life of 9 years and moved (sort of escaped).
I was in an amazing country, an ideal life-style for many (Dubai spoils you for the whole world!), but emotionally/mentally … I can’t even begin to explain.
Once I came here, it was a race, moving my whole life to another country, resuming career and trying to deal with everyday challenges.
Honesty I have been lucky in too many ways. I got a good job instantly and overall my friends and family have been incredibly supportive.
I just got too busy with life and it could never hit me properly. My system built a weird dissociation with that life. I could see myself roaming around neighbourhood and getting groceries, cooking washing clothes etc, but before today it always felt like it’s somebody else.
I don’t know how to explain this. I felt like it was some other person living that life. I couldn’t feel anything. Some say my system sort of disconnected me from that life. It was like staring at sun without feeling it’s heat.
But today is different.
It’s my anniversary of new life.
I just have a little heavy heart and light head today. I kinda feel like I’m floating.
This could be just because how sick I have been this whole month.
I still cant taste anything right. Mostly I’m on liquids.
Life in Pakistan is a million times harder than Dubai. Very sadly, your everyday struggle (that shouldn’t even be there) just breaks you. Poor infrastructure, corruption, inflation, mindset belonging to stone-age (I’m sure they were better) and above-all security threat all the time. Getting one day to other itself is so taxing.
And there aren’t any safe entertainment options.
The upside was, I was back with my family, and had overall strong support system and resuming career with corporate was easier here.
This was the right time for a lot of decision and God did make things easier for me.
But it doesn’t stop here. This 1 move was a launching pad for bigger decision in future.
And the thought scares me tbh. There’s a lot I need to figure out before I can call myself independent in any way.
It’s not going to be easy, but I have already come a long way. Even getting here didn’t seem possible.”
My memories of this whole last decade are going to be complicated. I needed to be there for my own individual growth. But that life broke me to so badly that I couldn’t recognise myself.
It wasn’t the life that was bad, it was the people who were ruining me every second because of their own insecurities.
And coming to insecurities…
Guys! I got a job offer from one of my clients. They offered the position of Business Analyst, and this company pays really well. But I haven’t replied yet because honestly, I will have a very limited scope of work there when I’m getting a lot of exposure at my current firm.
Now, a team member is totally hijacking my offer saying “we got the offer”. Dude the guy hasn’t even offered you, you weren’t even there.
Also few colleagues are visibly jealous about my overall progress you can tell by their random venom-spewing. It’s sad. There was this girl nobody even talks to and I did, and then this is what I got… now I just keep a distance. Can’t waste my energy on every other person.
Besides that, I tried to read a book but I couldn’t.
And I tried to finish my artwork but couldn’t.
I just had zero mental and physical energy, there were times I went to the prayer room at work to take mini breaks. I was just dizzy. Could be burnout, could be bad memories.
Last month first time I didn’t feel it was some other person. I could feel that life and my presence there. I don’t know what’s worse, trauma or the disconnect from a whole segment of your life.
I need to organize myself a little by little.
Focus on my priorities.
That cockroach (asshole manager) is always constantly plotting to make all of us look bad just because he is insecure, but I’m never going to leave firm because of him. I have my own goals and he can’t.affect them.
Let him do what he does and I will do what I do.
In the end, he couldn’t really harm anyone. People who left because of him ended up in better places.
This is my biggest life lesson, no matter how badly people try to destroy you, if you are on the right path, if you keep taking steps towards a better place in life with a clear heart and conscience. In the end, they can’t really harm you. Maybe they will end up doing something better for you.
You just need to be sincere to others and yourself.
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Kindly visit my post Warriors Invited To Raise Mental Health Awareness where I invite Mental Health Warriors to submit their blog’s address so that we can join hands to control this wildfire.