I’m Struggling

I haven’t been feeling ok for the last few days and idk what to do about it.

The thing is, I joined a firm  9 to 10 years back and then I had to quit (a decision that was imposed on me). 

I did a lot of things in the middle but can’t call it a proper career.

Now, around a decade later I have joined another firm (an even bigger one) but it hurts to see myself starting from the same spot I was standing at 10 yrs back.

I feel older than everyone around. And it gets complicated when people way younger than me are supposed to supervise me. 

Even tho nobody makes me feel what I’m feeling. Everyone acts pretty normal.

But when we are at a client, they automatically assume I’m team lead until I correct them. 

Or an employee of other departments assumes the same.

I don’t want to go around explaining the shit I have been through all these years.

and then I see people who studied with me are like 20 levels above me in career.

I try very hard to be positive I swear.

I remind myself of all the books I could read and all the good movies I could watch.

I can clearly see these professionally successful people mostly don’t even get a chance of self-development.

I try to remind myself I build this blog, nobody has people like you guys around.

I published a book!

I studied the arts and learned so much.

No matter what I try to tell myself it’s not helping.

Nobody went through what I did and there’s no point in explaining. I will just look like a pathetic idiot explaining my failures and I don’t want to explain my creative endeavors I keep this side very very private.

This is so frustrating and sad because this gap wasn’t even my fault, I really really wanted to go back to my career.

i don’t want to sound ungrateful but I don’t know how to feel better, nothing is working.

I just don’t feel ok.


83 thoughts on “I’m Struggling

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  1. I too have been feeling off. Try to not compare yourself with others. You are a success no matter when you arrived. I understand the age thing too. All of the customers at my job think I’m a manager and I’m not. I just smile and accept it as a compliment.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. everything was going great and then suddenly everything just sucks for no big reason.
      i try not to compare, and honestly i don’t even regret these lost years. there’s a lot of growth that i needed. but you know everyone just looks at your “professional success”.

      i tried to smile but a girl from other department started asking like how… i have just been feeling weird since i guess.

      and linkdin!!! it makes me cry everytime.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Take some deep breaths and recognize your progress. Awareness, not perfection, is the goal. That just so happens to be the Monday morning mantra for the week on my blog!!! How awesome did that play out?!?!

        Paint or do something creative to get your juices flowing. What you are going through is natural and it will pass.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so sorry you feel this way. I’m honestly not sure what to say without sounding clichéd. All I can hope is that you feel better soon and are kinder to not only past you but present you.

    You both deserve it very much.🫂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Never explain anything. If people choose to make assumptions then let them do so. Who cares? Be mysterious. It’s fun.
    If somebody asks why, at your age, you are apparently so far behind others younger than you, just drop a few hints about your 10 years jail time for crimes of passion and violence …. or maybe it was industrial espionage ….
    You are an individual and therefore unique. Your experiences are unique. Your past is unique. Your future is unique. And your present should be a celebration of that.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. ok. i like it. i used to be mysterous and then i started talking and couldnt stop.
      it was fun. i need to be my mysterious old self back.
      i’m so gonna say “i was serving…in jail…” and then i will just turn back to my work and continue as normal. SO DOING IT! at least once.

      honestly it’s sad when i see people in good position with zero personal/mental/emotional growth. I’m grateful for all the opportunities and proud of myself for doing something with them. but i had another vision of myself at this age and i used to be so much better than all of these people.

      i m trying to think like that. it’s just hard sometimes.


      1. I was actually fortunate (or perhaps not fortunate) enough to rise to the top of the profession that chose me (I fell to the top, really. It was all a bit accidental) quite young (33) and there was not a lot of emotional growth in all of that. In many ways I only began to grow when I started falling down the other side.
        There is a lot of talk in Australia at present about Ash Barty, the world #1 tennis player who has just decided to retire aged 25. Good on her! And I was reminded of another Australian champion, Shane Gould, possibly one of the greatest swimmers of all time, who retired at the age of 16! “I got to the top of the mountain,” she said, “and there was nothing up there.”
        Yes …. your time in jail could become a rumour of legendary proportions. The less said the better!


      2. So good news, im so far behind in career it will take me ages to get to the top, and i probably will die with old age when the falling down time starts. Idk what to make of it.

        Why are these young people retiring.

        And why i felt/still feel pressure of being someone at a certain age. Some of it has to do with my childhood and student life too my whole family had a lot of expectations from me. But some of it i think is normal. But i wish people knew when to stop asking questions.


      3. People stop asking questions when you make them uncomfortable with the answers – hence the hints of unspoken criminal history.

        Why did they retire? Because, for them, it was time. But they retired from tennis and swimming, not from everything. In Ash Barty’s case she is also in a position to retire from the rather dismal chore of making money. We cannot all be that fortunate.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I’m definitely going to good confusing answers now. This person did something and moved on with her life, when i was triggered for day. Well..

        Hmm. Its sad how quickly we forget our own achievements. There were goals that i ticked off maybe earlier than planned but being late in career was all i was looking at.

        I think we are fortunate in different ways. I just need to remind myself about it constantly.


  4. I hear you. I would feel the way you do if I were in that situation. But you know what…you are giving new life and hope to newcomers and inspiring others! There’s an assumption that you have to be at a certain level at some age, but that’s not true.
    Different starting points for people at various life seasons.
    I hope you feel empowered and know that you have a wealth of experiences that are your own! Big hugs…


    1. I want to keep reminding myself about it but sometimes my human nature kicks in and i feel bad.

      If i could share my creative endevous, my autoimmune struggle of 5 years, my mental health awareness effortd maybe i could be inspiring but i want to keep this side of me private to protect it.

      Idk how to feel empowered about this.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I would keep those parts private too unless you decide to share with your colleagues. I thought you could feel empowered by knowing that you have overcome those challenges and have made great creative strides in that past 5 years.
        You are strong and special!!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. i’m too vulnerable in my creative space, can’t show that to my colleagues. actually last decade, all of it. it’s been just all kinds of insane. i know i should be proud of myself for comming out of it but there are days like these…
        thank you!

        Liked by 1 person

  5. It’s a very natural feeling but seen logically, you know that you’ve used your time well. Your success is not how you measure up to others, it’s how you feel about yourself.


      1. Trying to remind myself that all the time. Sometimes it’s just hard to implement. I don’t really worry alot about people’s views or just embedded concepts, i wouldnt resume my career at all.
        But once in a while, this shit kicks in.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Just feel what you feel now. Your feeling is what you are feeling now. Do whatever things that make you happy and feel that life is meaningful. Everyone has a different life. Even though your career is not going smooth for now, but your other domains like having published a book, maintained a well-liked blog and painted numerous artworks are going great, for sure. Give yourself time that you are entitled to so as to work on your career. Take care 🧡 I am imperfect in some domains too. somebody too.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m in a very good work place, it’s a big-4 firm. but i’m v v late. that’s so sweet of you reminding me my other domain, sometimes they get overshadowed by dark phases like these.
      i need to be a little easy on myself i guess.


      1. Glad to know that you’re in a good place. Give your time to build a life there. Sometimes we really need friends to remind us when our mind is clouded by the dark phases 😉

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Oh you make me smile – this is my experience in my new job! I seem to be twice the age of the rest of my team, including my supervisor. The job I have just started is almost identical to the job I started at the age of 17…stayed there for almost ten years, moved on and did lots of other things…and now I am back where I started, just for a different company. The big difference for me is that back in my day so much was on paper, now everything is on computer.

    Never let a CV/resume define who you are or the amazing life you have led. All a CV an advert in a blind date column. If a potential employer sees your CV and thinks it ticks the boxes they are looking for, they agree to a first date. But from then on it is up to you to let you shine.

    I know in my case, the years I spent away from the corporate world were the most enriching. I was not tied to a desk, glued to a screen, I was out there living with gusto. Those years that were full of variety and learning, challenges and triumphs, they carved the personality and qualities I possess today.

    I have also realized in the last five/six weeks that employers are struggling to retain employees. Since I started work, three people in our department have moved on to better paid jobs, another team member told us she is leaving in May for a top job in the city. Most of the team members half my age have all sorts of ambitions about where they see themselves in five years time. Whereas, I have a different mindset – glad to be alive after I was attacked six years ago, aware that salary is no indication of your value or how hard you work, experienced to know that today’s challenges can be as flighty as the weather. Winds change, high and low pressure comes and goes, the sun shines and then the rain comes again.

    I have found these first five/six weeks a little unnerving at times, and had one or two days when I was utterly fed up. But from week to week more is clicking in my mind, and I am finding my feet, relaxing into my role, learning ways to streamline processes, organizing my work into folders where I can find important information. Every day is a learning day, but like learning to drive, I know that at some point it will become more natural to me.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’m glad you survived that attack too, you, your views and comments are precious to me.

      i agree, the time i spent away from the desk was far more enriching and the personal growth i had, nobody in corporate world could have. the best part, i learned to be kinder, more thoughtful. there is a long list of skill which i’m not getting time to go to now. been insanely busy since the day i joined.

      thanks for sharing your experience and motivating me. i think i was just having a phase. i’m in a better place now. i had to remind my goals to myself. and i had to remind myself i don’t need to be part of the rat race. i pretty much achieved all my goals that i set age wise. job and career got details but i’m back on track and soon will grow here too.

      i just had this feeling and with help of all of you i’m so much better. you guys are one of the best thing i found during this break. And i would give anything to keep it 🙂❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I realize this is hard for you, but it’s because as a society we make assumptions. As a society, we’ve taught your brain that this isn’t the way it should be.
    In my opinion, society puts too much pressure on us. So much so, that we forget to enjoy our life.
    Take this lightly, tell others when they make this blunder that you are like a wise old owl…someone has got to try to keep these youngsters straight.
    Have fun with it & know you are the better person by living life the way you want too.
    You do enjoy your work & you are an accomplished writer….something I would definitely let out of the bag…why hide your success.
    In any case…life is too short to worry about details like this.
    In the end, it won’t matter who said what. Trust me..there are & will be more important details.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. i agree. it’s all about the master checklist in the end of the day. and i stayed away from this circus for a long time but resuming career meant that i was back to the “real world”.
      i have decided i will confuse them, this is going to be fun. nobody needs to know my lfie story. i have told enough people for the whole office to know, ican’t explain to random strangers from different deptts and clients. i need to toughen up here a little. basic manners are rare, you learn this when you step out, but i will get used to it.

      I feel I’m very vulnerable in my creative space, i want to keep it person. And it’s an audit firm, dont want them to judge me or something.

      yea the whole thing passed. took like 2 weeks to process it and feel normal again. thanks to kindness and support from people here.

      Thanks for being here 😊

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Sorry about nit being on here.
        To be honest…i don’t know exactly how this site works.

        We struggled with my boyfriend hsving stage 4 lung cancer. He passed awsy on Feb 10, 2022 & I am just now starting to write again.

        I’ll see if i csn figure this site out.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Please don’t apologize. None of us knew how this work and I especially keep forgetting. and wordpress updated frequently so they are always adding some new feature that very few of us know how to work with.

        I’m extremely sorry for your struggle and loss. I can’t even imagine. May his soul rest in peace and may God give comform and heal your heart. Please know we all are here for you. You can always reach out.

        You will figure this out, just don’t preasure yourself. you can always ask if you need help with anything.


      3. Thank you so much for your kind words.
        One day at a time is all I can do.
        Each day things seem a little better, but I’ve got so much to finish doing. Some days I just want to stay beneath the covers, but then I remember how much faith he had in my ability to handle things.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. It might be empowering to remember how much believe people have in us but we don’t have to crush ourselves under expectation, even if they come from somebody we love the most. don’t forget to be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grief.
        support groups help, get all the support you can. and we are here. *hugss*


  9. I’m sorry. It sucks when we’re struggling with our mental health. It colours everything in our life, it makes it hard to see anything as worthwhile or valuable. It’s hard when you can list accomplishments but not really believe or feel them 💝

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Hiya! If this helps any, your posts showcase multiple levels of your limitless artistry, which I know could lead you upward on a much more satisfying career path. If you don’t see your star rising within your new workplace, keep sending out your resumes. BTW, I worked for younger “superiors” throughout most of my 30 year retail “career”. After awhile, the number of candles on their birthday cakes become just as meaningless as their alleged personalities.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m sorry for replying so late. thanks for reminding me of my artistry, i think i have this problem where i just overlook my other skills when i look around where i stand in corporate world. it’s not even too bad, it’s just late.
      well. who said life is in our control.
      so far things are good here, they dump shitton of work on me so i don’t really get a lot of time to be sad even. i think i need to be patient and grateful. thanks for the support.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re welcome. Multiple Likes re your post, reply and (especially) your ability to reason thru your workplace issues. There’s lotsa truth to your observations re busywork helping us to back burner our sadness; and, if we’re lucky, how the severity tends to lessen by the time we “revisit” it.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. comming here and writing any random thought and experience has made such a huge difference in my life, i have never felt understood and validated this way before.
        I’m able to feel, express and reason because people here allow me to. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  11. I a sending you hugs and prayers. I am not doing that good either. I am now with my 88-year-old father with dementia and severe OCD.
    I am stressed beyond stress and I came looking for you to check in. I know that you know how I am feeling. Please reach out anytime and I will do my best to support you however I can. I am always willing to listen.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. that is so sweet of you for checking on me. i really really treasure it. thank you for making me feel important 🙂

      it’s diffecult to live with old parents, then dementia and OCD. sending you hugs and prayers.

      Thank you so much for your kindness. means a lot to me. I’m in a good place right now. just been occupied and tired.

      thanks again 😊🤗


      1. Always. I enjoy our conversations. I feel blessed to have you in my corner.
        I woke up to the fire alarm and smoke at 6 a.m. but I had not fallen asleep until after 3:20.
        My OCD is bad, so is my Anxiety.
        My dad can’t remember how to work the TV remote.
        I get it on a channel for him to watch and in 5 minutes he has been pushing the button and he can’t get it back.
        It is literally a Full-time job 🙄 😒. I am trying to have patience … you could definitely pray for me with that.
        My mom died last August and they were together for 68 years.
        So he is just lost.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Im blessed to have met you here too. 🙂

        Ughh i hate fire alarms, and losing sleep. Sorry this happened.

        Omg what is this with dads and tv remote, i explain my dad everyday and he just forgets, actually get confused and nervous like remote is going to bite him if he pressed wrong button lol.

        Ahhaha thank God mine is afraid of pressing random buttons so he waits untill help arived (that’s me)

        Oh you are in my prayers. It’s a very challenging fulltime job.

        I m sorry for your loss. 68 years is almost whole life. Him being lost makes sense. Hope he gets better.


  12. Aren’t we all a work in progress???
    Continually changing and hopefully growing into a better version of ourselves than we were yesterday.
    You are entitled to keep your private life private.
    It is a privilege that you ought to be able to have control over.
    These days with social media and everything, people think that they have the Right to know everything about you.
    But it is a privilege to have you share with me or anyone else.
    I am honored to be able to engage with you here. I appreciate you.
    It may feel awkward to be older than those around you.
    Remember your successes and growth over the 10 years.
    Remind yourself that even if they don’t know it, you have the advantage of having so much more life experience than they do.
    If it would help you feel more comfortable with your clients, maybe at the very 1st meeting you could introduce yourself and point out the team leader, so from then it won’t be an issue.
    I don’t know how to help with your colleagues… sorry.
    Please be kind to yourself. You may not be as high on the totem pole as you would like to be.
    But if your firm is fairly large, you are one of just a few people who actually know that.
    Plus a lot of people change direction when they are younger, so you don’t need to feel like you have justify yourself to your co-workers.
    You are amazingly you. No one else can be you.
    So when you are feeling discouraged or down.
    Try to be gentle and remember that, and all you have accomplished.
    Sending ❤️ and encouragement to you. ⁰


    1. I should frame this comment. Thanks for every word of it. Maybe that’s what i needed, kindness encouragement and reminder of my own personal growth.

      And I couldn’t agree more about privacy being a privilege. I feel so peaceful knowing that i can only give access to limoted people to my creative space. There’s freedom and comfort in it.

      Thank you so much for encouraging 🙂


      1. I am glad that my words brought you comfort. I think that we all get tunnel vision when it comes to looking at ourselves. I know that I do it to myself.
        Naturally (unless you are narcissistic, and you are 100% not that) we are so much harder are on ourselves than we are towards others.
        That is why I think I said a few times to be kind to yourself.
        I am highly capable of self sabotage.
        Sometimes we need a reminder, I am glad I could help. 😊

        Liked by 1 person

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