Gaping Hole and the Gravel

Recently when I lost one of my closest friends, it felt like a gaping hole.

I was scrolling through support groups and I noticed a lot of people using same terms to define the gap left behind, when they lost a loved one.

I will talk about my own experience here because grief is too personal and everyone feels it differently and copes with it differently. 

Few year back when I lost my mom and grandpa (who was closer to me than my parents), something happened which I realize now.

Gaping hole overwhelmed me.

Two important people were gone, leaving my whole structured became weak and wobbly.

The gaping hole ate away part of my backbone.

I suddenly felt urge to fill that gap and started tossing gravel in it, hoping any of them would stick.

Gravel, being anyone and everyone. 

Including the people I erased from my life for very valid reasons. Imagine the disaster it ended up being…

The gravel flew through the hole in slow motion enjoying the view of my disaster stricken life, smirking at me.

I allowed them to have a peak in my life at my worst time. They never cared and never stayed. And honestly I never wanted them to stay.

I couldn’t figure out this part; what exactly was I expecting?

4 years down, when I lost C, instinctively I was going to make the same mistake.

Instinct can be tricky, not all of them should be followed!

But I stopped.

I breathed, sat back and thought, “It took 4 years, and tons of support from real friend to somewhat stabilize my structure and make me stronger, what am I doing and why?”

It’s unfair to myself and people who have been there all along.

C would be saddened by this.

I will feel miserable after few years and blame myself for being so desperate that I jumped on letting in the wrong people.

I had to stop myself repeatedly until I had convinced myself that it was a horrible idea.

Never let the wrong people in your life when the good ones aren’t available.

We deserve better people and we deserve to be happy. 

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Kindly visit my post Warriors Invited To Raise Mental Health Awareness where I invite Mental Health Warriors to submit their blog’s address so that we can join hands to control this wildfire.

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