34!

I have written too many versions of this post but wasn’t satisfied enough to post them.

So, let me try once again.

Last month 29th oct was my birthday, I turned 34.

Last decade have been INSANE! When I look around and see people having relatively normal lives I feel like I’m on the wrong planet. That’s why I don’t have personal social media presence especially on Facebook.

I completed my professional education, landed an ideal job then suddenly HAD to quit it. Something that never stops hurting.

I got married because I HAD to and then got divorced. A can of worms that I set on fire and don’t look back.

When I was still in 20s my immune system suddenly decided to attack me and for next 5 years I was battling illness and side-effects of treatment simultaneously. Prednisone, immunosuppressants, radio-therapy, surgery… then dislocated eye and inflated body.

I lost my mom to cancer and my grandpa. My grandpa was my closest person. They both left same year.

All of this sounds like a jinxed life but I refuse to call it that.

I can’t let events, good or bad to define me or my life.

What I did to get through all of that, constructed whatever I am today. And that keep evolving.

Once you decide this unfortunate event is not going to stop me, you start to explore different ways to continue and sometimes they are better than traditional path.

I explored my writing and art and tried different jobs.

I started taking my health seriously and constantly work on having a healthier lifestyle.

Nothing taught me self-worth more than my divorce. 

And losses… nothing can fix grief, but I got unbelievable support from places I never imagined.

Today, my mental health is better than it was before all of that, because now I know myself better.

Moved homes, moved countries. I never had the confidence I have today.

It still hurts when I think I have lost my most productive years to tragic events beyond my control. On typical standard checklist, I’m a loser, more of a disaster.

But it’s me who knows my journey and who lived it, and I’m this psychopath who doesn’t stop dreaming and doesn’t give up on her dreams.

I had this epiphany last night. I have to look at myself as something whole, carved in one piece and not a jigsaw puzzle that needs hundreds of pieces to be complete.

People and events are not part of the person I am.

I am a complete person!

In the end I will share some quotes I love:

“I have found both freedom and safety in my madness; the freedom of loneliness and the safety from being understood, for those who understand us enslave something in us.”― Kahlil Gibran.

“The dream of my life is to lie down by a slow river and stare at the light in the trees – to learn something by being nothing.”— Mary Oliver

“Maybe the journey isn’t so much about becoming anything. Maybe it’s about un-becoming everything that isn’t really you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place.”― Paul Coelho

Have a great day 🙂

…

..

Copyright © 2021 stoneronarollercoaster – All rights reserved

Kindly visit my post Warriors Invited To Raise Mental Health Awareness where I invite Mental Health Warriors to submit their blog’s address so that we can join hands to control this wildfire.

You can find my poetry collection here=>  

Advertisement