Whatever is happening

I have lived enough years (some pretty traumatizing) to tell when I’m slipping into depression.

It’s like stepping blinding into quicksand and next you have no control over anything at all.

Thanks for all the love prayers and support you all sent my way for my grandfather. You all are the best people on the planet, I mean it!

Actually, he hasn’t been unwell for a very long time. My grandparents (maternal) were in Australia visiting my uncle when covid started and then they just got stuck.

My grandma came back because her visa expired but my grandpa was on oxygen and it was hard to travel all the way back to Pakistan, he stayed there.

Now these 2 never separate and always stay together and they have traveled a lot, so I always tell them you guys started your honeymoon and forgot to stop.

Now, finally my grandpa came back home and they reunited but he is extremely week. He actually couldn’t recover after my mom’s loss (approx 4 years) it really ate him alive.

Few day after coming back he suddenly stopped responding. He wasn’t talking. Wasn’t moving. Just staring the ceiling.

Since the moment I heard this, I have just stiffened.

I was numb for idk how long.

I had stepped into quicksand.

Then one ay, maybe 3rd day after getting this news. I felt like im crushed under a boulder.

Part of me knew what was happening, so I started fighting it. It’s light trying to move your limps when you are frozen in a block of ice. You have to fight vehemently to make a tiny space for yourself.

I started making lists of things I have to do, and things I was doing. Every night I make a list of things I have to do next day so that I wake up and have a direction.

Then when I start to freeze again I start making a list of things I have done so far in a day, it reminds me I’m not dead yet and taking care of things.

Yesterday, I got dressed to go out and then I was laying in bed for hours untill  really forced myself. On the way i was constantly pep-talking myself into keep walking. Like “just do this, its small walk, you can do this, it’s important”.

2 3 times I felt I’m going to pass out it was crazy hot outside.

The fear of that dark phase makes me throw myself into chores which eventually exhausts me, but I can deal with that.

Because once I drown, it takes me months to come back to surface.

Theres not much hope about grandpa and nobody is telling much. I’m stuck here in Dubai and can’t go.

Idk what to think what to say anymore.

Life is hard, fighting is hard, not fighting isn’t easy either.

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