Dazed

I was making tea and leaves had come to boil. It was time to add milk.

I opened fridge pulled out coconut milk and start pouring with full confidence.

It didn’t take time to hit me it was clear not white.

So I put it back and took out milk carton and went on to complete the process.

Added crushed cardamom to hide any unusual taste and acted like nothing happened.

Art of pretending nothing happened is a skill we all should be tought at school.

Well.

Everyone loved the tea.

But I have been weird.

It’s like a third of my brain is perfectly attentive in present, and the rest is focusing on everything I could be doing.

My baby otter keeps me anchored when she is in my hands, becuase no matter what my total attension funnels to her. I think it’s natural when you know it’s an infant and a huge responsibility.

But the rest, I am lost.

People are asking me A I’m answering to Z.

I’m losing my focus, clearly and visibly. Even though I’m juggling a lot of things perfectly all right but in my brain, behind veils, anxiety is being a bitch again.

Hate it when anxiety goes in stealth mode.

Did I mention I’m binge eating like crazy. I’m eating a concerning amount. Reminds me of my prednisone days..

And then came an anti-xanax speech from siblings just because I asked for one.

I told them a million times I’m not abusing xanax. I dont even touch it untill I really have too.

Actually doctors told them 25 years of xanax did this to dad.

I appriciate thier concern.

I am glad my family understands mental health now, we have lost loved ones without even realizing what’s killing them.

That’s why we stress about awareness.

To be aware that this exists is first step towards a path that ultimately leads to treatment, recovery and management.

I still don’t know why people choose to stay in denial.

Some people clearly need help. Their mental illness is too visible to serious to ignore and yet people say things like “they just are like that”

I mean.. it’s not going to end well.

But if you try to say something they attack you by saying you are trying to say that they are mad.

What can you do then?

Well.

I think I’m getting tired mentally by thinking about everything that I could be doing. Maybe it’s time to make lists again.

And mailing list invites..I can’t anymore. I’m too tired now. Followers from feb 2019 to june 2019 are left and I have no energy to send invitations now maybe I will continue this later.

Right now I can’t anymore.

And it’s frustrating when your comments go to spam.

Well.

Getting a bit dizzy.

That’s all for now.

4 thoughts on “Dazed

  1. If your siblings are blaming Xanax for some sort of dependency that may be accurate but the same goes for Xanax and such. If they are saying Xanax caused mental problems, I will beg to differ. I’ve been on it mostly for 26 years and I honestly believe it is the only reason I am not sitting on the highway in a tin foil bikini wearing a Dr Seuss hat. It is that good for anxiety and irrational thought.

    I respect you only wanting to use the meds when you’ve been puhed too far but as a reminder.,not all med are bad. Don’t let people shame you into thinking otherwise.

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  2. Hugs. I hope your ok. Feeling better now. I know what you mean about binging, I gained 6.5 pounds in 3 weeks, I was so disappointed in myself, now I gotta lose it again. I will, though, if its the last thing I do. 😛

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    1. i keep telling them I take a tiny ammount in ages but they are terrified of xanax and i can see why. every medication has it’s side effects i have been on prednisone for 2.5 years and it was only tapered off when i was border line anemic. the point is who have to pro-con the situation.
      and thanks for kind words i’m trying to sort and align everything guess i really need to stick to plans and lists to stay a bit normal. just looking at lists makes me feel better lol.

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