Blinding screaming chaos!

I feel like a molecule bouncing here and there voilently. A lost confused molecule.

I am crying and I am laughing. It’s too much happening at once.

When I saw the daily post leaving the hardest feeling that hit me was fear. Fear of loss. Something that has successfully crippling me throughout my life.

Fear of loneliness.

I went berserk.

Its not about prompt. I have tons of writing that I haven’t posted yet. All kinds of it. I dont need a prompt. I was scared I will be lost without this community.

Then I am stupid. I can’t just track different prompts hosted by friends here. I am making a list and I just get lost there too. Maybe I am just nervous and busy.

It’s last week of Ramadan so Eid preparations are at its peak and I don’t even know what I am going to wear. Haven’t even shopped yet.

Then just after that I have to travel back home there is a wedding in family..again ZERO PREPARATION! and weddings in our culture are celebrated on huge scale..it’s insane.

But my biggest fear..fear again!

well. I don’t know how I am going to face dad.

I put password on the post where I wrote everything because ..i don’t know..i just felt I gave away too much and I had to share mental health post outside blog so I didn’t want anyone to know it’s me.

It’s been 1 and half month since dad went manic. He was in the hospital for 15 days straight on heavy medication, mostly sedatives.

He insisted to come home. And his recovery has been remarkable. Doctors call it a miracle as when he was in therapy he told the doctor whole trail of events that lead to the manic attack. He can remember a lot of things that happened. He only struggle with memory of 8 days when he was hospitalized.

Doctors say he worked on his brain and it’s a great thing. He is going for walk (prescribed by doctor) taking medicines going in therapy regularly.

But he is so scared. It breaks me. He is so lost and scared. We talk frequently and we both haven’t said a word yet about his diagnosis or what happened. I just talk about random shit. I was trying to teach him diaphragmatic breathing on phone but he was getting nervous so I will do that when I am there. It’s helpful for anxiety.

Right now he is just so nervous. He just got declared unfit for work for the time being. And he had so much work to do.

I heard him say “i have handed over everything” and I said “you dont have to you are fine just stay confident.”

I don’t know what else to say. He is so weak.

I keep on telling him “do not lose your confidence you will be absolutely fine you are better than a lot of people already”

And suddenly I feel his voice getting stronger. He needs confidence. He has lost all of it.

It’s so upsetting here I am in the middle of so many people who are struggle with mental illnesses and I can’t do anything about my own father. I dont even know what to say. I keep fearing what if I say something and when I put down the phone he goes manic again?

I don’t know what’s gonna happen. It’s helpless situation but I believe in him. I know my father he is a strong man.

I wish I could make him talk to you guys.

And honestly I dont even know how much information family is holding back. I am just praying I dont pass out when I reach home.

I am having deja vu. Few months back mom was counting her days and I had to go. I was losing my mind here. Even at that time I was stuck with my appointments.

It’s like i am walking the same path again. And it’s heart wrenching.

I didn’t know how to face her..now I don’t know how to face him.

At least this time dad is recovering. That’s what my family has been telling me.

Btw. After wasting my 1 and a half month my doctor said “leave your email address I will send you the opinion report” and I heard “never show me your face again”

I get it. Thank you.

Well.

You all must have seen I am doing reblogs by friends who helped me with mental health awareness project.

I started it on a whim, as usual. You shouldn’t be surprised such things come from an impulsive person like me.

I felt the whole thing became stagnant. I wanted their stories to be read and heard more. I wanted them to get more exposure above all, validation. I heard 2 3 friends using this word and it hit me really hard.

We crave for validation of a condition that nobody can see. We deserve few words of love and kindness.

I asked myself, why am I doing this and I heard this word ringing in my head “validation”.

I have been through this. When you are dying crying craving for somebody to at least listen to you and people think it’s just a tantrum you are throwing for attention.

Gosh this post is getting long..well I need to talk today.

So I was doubting my initiative and then saw the word suicide in the news almost everywhere. I don’t have time to elaborate on it right now we will talk about this once I get proper time.

But we all are aware of the frequency of this word in news these day. It’s like the circle is tightening around us and IT’S NOT OK!!

It has reached our homes already.

It’s not something to be taken lightly anymore.

Then I tell myself “it’s worth it, if I am giving it 1 minute of mine in a day or the whole day…it’s totally worth it”.

We all need validation.

We all need to be heard.

We all need to talk!

You can’t fix everything with silence it will eat you. Your life. Your home!

I keep on insisting look around you. I know I am in a tricky situation I am not sitting next to my dad right now but there are 5 6 family members with him and I keep talking and he realizes he needs help.

You have to fix the problem with treatment and love care everything!

I am so insanely busy these days. I need a tracker on my coffee mug as I keep losing it. I am always on my toes. But still I feel restless.

If I sit down I might have a brand new panic attack so I am just running!

I will meet dad’s doctor and talk to him. I hoping I don’t have a meltdown there. But I need to.

Thanks for listening/reading guys. I know my blog is turning into an eyesore I am bombarding you guys with posts these days.

But there are 156 bloggers mental health fighters already and the number keep increasing I have to cover all of them soon. So i plan to do 3 reblog a day maybe. I will mention “MHA Reblog” or “Reblog” in the title now on.

Thanks for being here and reading. You all have no idea how important you have become to me.

Kindly visit my post Warriors Invited To Raise Mental Health Awareness where I am inviting Mental Health Warriors to submit their blog’s address so that we can join hands to control this wildfire.

Copyright © 2018 stoneronarollercoaster – All rights reserved

24 thoughts on “Blinding screaming chaos!

    1. That is so kind of you. I have just been insanely busy but back of the mind really nervous.
      Dad’s holding up that’s what i get to know. But he is very weak physically and mentally both. Remember us in prayers.
      Thanks a lot 🙂

      Like

  1. I can tell you things I want to say on everything that you just wrote, but I’m afraid it’d all be just trite, now. All I can say is I hope your father recovers well, and you’re being a great daughter.
    Yes, we all need validations: from our peers, superiors, but most of all, we need validation from our family – this one is the most underrated opinion, because we take our family for granted. This what your father needs right now, too – hope, trust, togetherness, and validation. And you’re doing it right, trust me.
    I’ll keep you in my prayers, and try to contribute in your mental health drive – being a bipolar and such.
    (I really hope I find some time… )
    Stay Strong… 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. thank you so much for telling me I am doing right I just feel I am not doing anything at all since it’s so tricky. you cant just call him and start talking about what happened he is very sensitive right now.
      you are right we take family for granted.
      please remember in prayers.
      Thank you so much 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You do know your dad and your are different persons Stoner. If he will feel down, he will without you saying a single word. I’m not saying you have to be harsh to him, or anything like that. But don’t blame yourself for something that will never be under your control. And just be yourself. Trust me, the more you try to change for other people, the more you make them as well as yourself, uncomfortable. And do remember he raised 3 kids, so he is strong. Trust more in his strength, rather than his one time weakness, that emerged.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am not blaming myself for anything Sai it’s just tough times nobody is to be blamed.
      I am ok. I am trying to have a solid ground soon, pray for me I do it really soon.
      lol..who said we are 3?? we are more than that 😆
      I trust him. I believe in him. that’s what I wrote. i really do.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. How many siblings, if I may ask? And that’s good to hear, that you believe him. I believe in you Stoner. But still it’s good to see that you’re going home. Enjoy the time. Don’t let anyone mess with you.

        Liked by 1 person

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