Every morning I wake up and go through all of my wound and bruises. It’s a ritual that I hate following. But I still do. I wish I stop one day.
Every morning when I am still in bed I revisit all my loses or they revisit me..
It’s the same pattern every time.
I smile alot I cry a little and I tell myself
“today you will be back to normal. Today you wont be pathetic. Its enough now. You haven’t even begin your battle. Get up and do something. Stop sulking. Today you will grant yourself peace.”
I get up play music in headphones, it helps me blocking the sounds of real world. Have breakfast, and have coffee while strolling in my home trying not to think alot.
I have made a few upgrades to help my mental state which I will write about later. Right now I am on my own after a very long time so all I want to do is just write. Vent it out.
My guitar, art work and materials are packed and out of sight. I am very private about what I do for survival I don’t want it to be an advertisement and a topic!
I only talk about it when I really feel it will help someone. Otherwise its just for myself.. at least for now.
And my family understands privacy so they don’t say “show us what you are doing” which is the best quality for me at least. Understanding when to give space and privacy.
This conversation helps for a few minutes and then I lose my footing and start falling in the same spiral
In between there are pauses.
But the constant state is being lost in a vacant dark space.
I know I will be better tomorrow when I will be more comfortable in my cave. My cave Suddenly turned into a home with a chirpy family, now shedding its skin it wore for a few days.
I can see the walls crumbling already.
Now here’s a weird part of this whole experience. I cope better when I am alone. The feeling that my family is getting worried about me just makes everything worse.
In normal circumstances these extreme turns on emotional roller coaster makes you an amazing artist.
Drain your pain in any form you are comfortable with words or colors or charcoal…anything.
Spill it out on a paper and you will have your best work in front of you.
I think its about feeling and living with your pain.
Holding back mentally cripples you. Whatever is happening just let it happen.
I think at this point in my life thats all I can do.
I tried fighting it..i tried attacking it ferociously telling it “you are nothing I have been through worse”
I was stupid to do so. Its like trying to pull out your stitches after a surgery.
Something happened to you. You are sad. Its okay.
Then there is another angle to the whole coping and surviving thing.
That is trying to fix everything asap.
Seriously how can you even do that??
Some things can’t be fixed ever!
You are not a magician cmon.
And what are you trying to fix??
A broken heart?? A loss?
And how are you going to do that? If there’s anything please let me know too.
Losses become a part of you. You can’t separate them no matter how bad they hurt.
So, my friends.
When the question arises to fix it, live it, or fight it.
After trying all of them I concluded your only option is living it. And by living I don’t mean celebrating. I mean accepting the loss.
Let it be part of your existence.
Let it be another scar. We all the seared with scars. It’s okay..
Scars make brilliant stories..they make brilliant art.
After a very long time I am actually truly feeling I am moving towards recovery or acceptance.
Tomorrow morning will be better InshAllah.
After this I will go to my window and soak up the silence of my cave until it cradles me to sleep.
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