Enough..

Okay

Enough of sulking

Get up! Get up right now!!

So friends, do you know me?? Do you know how long it took me to crawl and drag my lifeless body out of a the darkest deepest pit possible??

1 and a half year!

Yes every minute every second for 1 and a half year I pulled myself back to life…ALONE!!!

Only help I had was moral support of my friends. My family was suffering from their own problems.

So for such a long time I tried to fix my shitty life.

I couldn’t fix my life but I tried to fix my self

Now you cant even fix yourself ..so I just tried to stand up and have my ground. I tried to strengthen myself.

My luck is a joke everywhere I am not even kidding. I have always had a difficult life and every superstition of having a disastrous life matches with my fate perfectly!

It was a joke in my family people have stars sitting on their luck I have a black raven! And in our culture raven is just a symbol of bad luck.

Once somebody said if I throw my luck in a pond all fishes are going to die.

The worst come scenario just happens to me.

So I am kinda immune to dealing with shit.

I fought my illness for 3.5 year and I was just a step away from closing this chapter and starting a better life for my own and guess what..i stumbled..i fell

You know its been 2 days I couldn’t tell it to anybody. Only you guys and sam knows.

I couldn’t tell my family that our last hope has been snatch away from us.

I dont even know what I am going to do.

And before that some 20 days back I had an emotional shock..i am still lost, I little part of me is permanently damaged because of that. Not because it happened but because I let it happen.

I was holding myself strong.

You what we say… I have secured my life with masking tape..my friends help sticking tapes on me so that I just dont fall apart. They have seen me break at every stage of life.

now. I this point when I was months away from reclaiming my life..all of this happened..

And I was in the same bottomless pit all over again..

Its scary in there..

Its really scary..

I was clueless and wanted to be occupied so I started watching “eternal sunshine of the spotless mind” its one of my favorite movies..emotionally I am alot like Clementine..

And it took me from where I started..

And reminded me all my struggles

I would watch movies non-stop to escape reality, because my reality was just so unbearable.

Thats when I watched eternal sunshine.

I would watch funniest of “friends”

And I dont still know how to use a concealer and foundation and all but I know almost all of make up gurus..yea..watched them too. Didnt help at all!

Then writing and blog followed and it was strongest medicine that worked..

Now after all of this I cant let myself fall apart..

I have come a long way I took alot to even be able to stand again.

I cant afford to lose my footing again

I am talking to myself more than you guys here but I just need to say this and remind myself.

I cant sit and sulk.

I passed out with depression yesterday.

And yesterday only I realized I have been having these episodes since 1 year..the first happened when I lost my grandpa..

There is a tornado in my brain its very damaging..

Any thing emotional just triggers at and increases its intensity..

It spins to the speed when I stop seeing things.. I go blank and clueless and dizzy..

I cant let myself collapse..

So operation getting-my-shit-togather in action!!

Movies!!

Started with movies!!

So first steps gonna be movies..any funny movie recommendation guys??

When your reality gets too shitty…start living in imagination and fiction!

Until this fog settles a little

We will go from the beginning..we will walk the same path again..

And I will be fine. It was harder the first time..it will be easier this time inshAllah.

I need to fix things..

One at a time..

you can re

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