Are you scared of yourself??

Warning: if you are in a happy romantic mood please avoid this post..

First text of the day was from sam “i love you, happy valentines day, don’t sulk and eat chocolates”

When you have been best friends with somebody for 20 years they know when and what to say to you. They just know you too well maybe sometimes more than you do.

I am proud of my loony gang. I have known the closest ones (sam & zazu) for 20 years now. They just know me.

I wanted to cry and laugh at the same time.

Next thing, I got call from my hospital. They can’t operate me. And weird stages followed. Numbness and then I was laughing at myself like a lunatic.

Laughing at the misery. No matter how hard people try to make things easier for me I keep screwing my life..

It’s been 3 hours already I couldn’t tell this to anybody everyone was waiting for this call and we wanted to hear something else.

I texted sam, I got “hang in there” will talk when she is free.

I called dad ..it’s been like a month I haven’t talked to him I guess..his phone was off..must be sleeping..or in a meeting or something..

Maybe its better I couldn’t talk to him right now.

I don’t know how to break it to everyone I might have to stay like this for rest of my life. I learned to live with it but somewhere I was hopeful I will be back to my normal self.

I am already in a scary place.

Its like I have a burning pit inside me I am dousing myself with kerosene.

I have had anxiety but this..i don’t even know what is this..

When you are just losing sanity and try hard to hold onto it and failing every moment.

A slight loss of balance and I will slip all the way to the grave.

Chugged down 2 cups of black coffee the darkest I could take…didnt help

Tried reading poetry loud, tried listening to it…didn’t work either.

I feel I am going to explode today..

I am completely clueless..i don’t know what I am going to do now.

And I don’t think anything can help me from here..it feels like a lost battle already..

And I am just afraid of myself..

how and when I let myself succumb to my madness, I’m terrified.

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33 thoughts on “Are you scared of yourself??”

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  1. The poetry is last thing you need now. People have been hit with many problems, but that doesn’t mean they quited trying. You just need to hope for the best, find something positive about your life and hold on to it. I do the same. Some could say I write my problems away, keep writing and thinking about something else, avoiding to face my problems, but in a way, I am also finding ways to deal with it. I contemplate on them, write alternative plots about my life and write the possible solutions for the things I fight with. You can call this one of my blabbers, but still, it is true.

    Just find something to laugh at and it is normal to laugh at yourself and misery that periodically overwhelms you. It is fine. Just keep going Alyana. Keep living your life and strive for better thing to happen tomorrow, but make sure you create an opportunity today.

    Spiritual enough? 😀 I can do this all day.

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  3. Pingback: Blessed and grateful

  4. I’m coming from the family constellations approach to healing and I feel really moved by what you are going through. Two ideas: one is to focus on the pain and ask: whose pain is this? on the off chance that you, with your strong loving heart, are carrying it for one of your ancestors who had too much trauma to deal with. Trust whatever comes. (For instance, I asked today and my 2nd great grandfather came up.) The other is to ask all of your ancestors and invisible guides for resources to support you, since they love you and want you to succeed — after all, they gave you the spark of life, which is not a casually-given gift! And one big thank you for sharing what you are going through. You have a missing jigsaw puzzle piece that someone else has been desperately searching for, and your words here are exactly what they need to heal their own pains. Sending you much love!

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  5. It definitely sounds scary. I guess frist you have to come to terms with it, is there anything I can do to make it better? Am I a ticking time bomb? Have I or do I need to, get a second opinion? Have I researched ways of healing or dealing with this? Do I have options? Perhaps you’ve already asked yourself these questions. I hope you find a way of dealing with your situation before you get to depressed about it. I’m sure it isn’t easy. All you can do is try your best. Thank you for sharing. I’m glad your friend called you at the perfect time!

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    1. yes the call saved me today. I wasn’t in the right state I actually passed out in depression I have been having these brief episodes I just recalled this has been happening..
      I have decided I will just take a break and divert my mind from procedure and all..
      I have been running after it for 3.5 years now. I am just tired..

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      3. of course, I know it is hard to exercise, just dealing with my regular depression. Obviously you are dealing with something much worse that what I have. If it requires surgery and is inoperable or they just can’t do it yet, well that certainly will affect the way you feel. I shouldn’t have even asked that. You need to take time for yourself. I hope you can get second opinion and research more.

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      1. That, to me, is an unacceptable reason. If you don’t want to deal with it for a while, then that’s what you should do in order to take care of your mental health.

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      2. Yea it was consuming me. I have been fighting it since 3.5 years and the surgery was last stage of the treatment. I know there are a few more options but i am too tired.. i have stated zoning out.
        So i am giving some rest to my brain. Then will see what to do next.

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