Fresh Dent in Conscience

Today I was talking to an angel friend of mine. Remember unicorn?? I have talked about her here. She stayed with me on phone for 4 hours when I had first suicide pang.

She was busy with moving home. We were conversing on WhatsApp.

“I am pregnant”

These simple three words literally pulled my soul out. Something inside me died.

What? What the fuck? When? These were my messages.

This is supposed to be a good news generally. Right??

But no.

My friend is married and has a child, who struggles with learning. The child needs special attention.

Unicorn herself has 3 autoimmune disorders. Added with thyroid and migraines. When she has migraine she doesn’t complain until she goes blind. She tolerates it and keeps working until she can’t see.

Her husband is a typical man who doesn’t get up to get water for himself.

She did not want another child.

And autoimmune triggers with full force after delivery. I have no idea how is she going to mange that.

I wanted to scream, cry shout.

Her in laws and husband were pressuring her to have a second child. She finally succumbed to the pressure.

For a long time my mind was filled with fizzy grey Static.

I was scared to say anything. She is expecting already. We cant change anything.

But we are very close and we often confide in each other.

I said I am sorry I can’t fake it. I am really worried. She told me her own family reacted the same way.

I am still not normal. I lost something today.

My this friend is highly educated, more than her husband but she left her career because he wanted her too.

Then she didn’t want first child..that happened.

Now this..

She is just a helpless puppet.

Just because she is extremely nice person doesn’t this give anybody the right to ruin her life??

Now you will say, why didn’t she speak up?? She could have stood against it. She could have fought.

You know what. Its easier to say. She is not stupid.

She comes from a sound background.

But pressures. They lobotomize you.

Your education, your strength your will and self-respect, everything turns to ashes when you have to face outrageous levels of socio-cultural pressures.

When you see your friend fighting you root for her, and when she loses somewhere you lose too.

There is a fresh dent in my conscience that will never be filled. She is not the first and the last case. But I believed she will win.

She was close to the finish line, when she is suddenly pushed off the track.

If you had known me you would have said “look who is talking”.

No matter what I say here I have surrendered to pressures whenever my loved ones were involved. Whenever I felt its better hurting myself than bringing distress to my home.

And sadly most of the times your sacrifice is not even realized, let alone appreciated.

This is how we are built.

It’s sad. It’s unfair. But this is how it is.

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