A Day in Grayscale..

I had my first ever meltdown in front of a doctor. After 3 years in treatment..after visiting more than 20 doctors..i broke down in front of my rheumatologist yesterday.

I couldn’t say much i just told her about my recent experiences (when i think i felt i might harm myself and then dosed off in exhaustion)

I don’t even know her reaction as i had my face dug into my hands. And i was pressing my eyes hard, hoping i could stop tears. I was feeling horrible for being so weak.

She suggested me a psychologist for counseling when i told her i don’t want any more meds in my system.

The way she looked into my eyes and held my hand for a bit longer when we were shaking hands before leaving, said more than she could ever say in words.

I felt i undressed a layer in front of somebody and made myself frightfully vulnerable.

A crack in the shell.

A wave of regret and hatred for being so naive ran over me. On the way back i was thinking couldn’t I just be a little more stronger if I had come this far?? I was mad at what i just did.

Have you ever felt a moment when everything goes into grey scale?? It happened..it was depressing.

I knew my meltdown was useless. I am never going to reach the counsellor until something drastic happens. Because in counseling, i know what is she going to advise me in the end. And that advice is not applicable for me.

Well. I came back home and in between the calls to dad and sam i got a missed call from an aunt of mine. My Jolly bubbly aunt, who is more of a friend to me.

She is one of the 2 people i called from the airport coming back this time.

I called her back and told her about appointment. The whole thing. She started screaming and crying abruptly.

There was deafening silence at my end.

Then she unfurled her story. Hours later i felt lifeless. It was the most painful story i ever heard. So painful there were moments i had to stop her.

Every word that came out of her mouth was a new cut on my conscience.

I felt disgusted for living in this world. I was hating every morsel of food i ever pushed down my throat.

I believed the purpose of religion and culture is to have an order in place so that people don’t turn barbaric, and thats what is turning people barbaric now. People have manipulated both to an irreversible Degree.

I asked similar questions about faith to 2 people yesterday:

1. Did you ever feel your faith slipping away?? That person has lost his faith.

2. How do you still have some faith and how are you still alive? Her grief turned her religious.

Once i was talking to a friend of mine and we came up with this “like sponge we soak up stories to soften”

But some stories are boiling hot water with tiny blade running in them, they don’t soften us. They leave us burnt and damaged.

My same friend says that’s the curse of being a good listener. You end up listening to more than you can tolerate.

I was always taught one thing…there shouldn’t be any weight on your conscience..and then i see people bulldozing lives of the weaker human..

Where do their conscience go?? Don’t they fear the same thing will come back and bite them in the ass??

The boulder dropped on my conscience will never be lifted..

I asked her to forgive those people who let it happen to her because when God will punish them that will be a trailer of hell. How selfish of me to ask her to forgive people for something I never had to endure.

Now i will apologize to her for this.

Sorry. A small key that liberates people on both the sides of the bars.

People say, i say sorry alot. Sometimes when its not even required.

The reason?? I am selfish. I do it for myself.

I want everyone to forgive me so that i can live and die in peace. It doesn’t make me a smaller person.

I know lately i am just writing traumatic pieces. This small planet is becoming an eyesore.

But this is important. just look around, maybe somewhere somebody needs you and maybe it wont even take much to be there for that person.

P.s. The featured image is of a charcoal drawing done by me (in case you missed the post about it).

Copyright © 2017 stoneronarollercoaster – All rights reserved

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85 thoughts on “A Day in Grayscale..

    1. Stoner, not long after I was dx’d w/leukemia (which I’ve lived with now for nearly 20 mostly happy yrs), I soon learned a lesson. Crying, screaming, fear, anger are all part of the coping process and not to be perceived or judged as weakness, by oneself or anyone else. They are a part of how one feels … but they don’t have a corner on the truth and like all feelings, they pass.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. See, I told you to go out and punch something. 😀 C’mon. You’ll get through this. This ain’t nothing for a person like you. You are just emotional, that’s all. You’ll learn to control it. Everybody has their moments, and that is not a shameful thing to have. From your posts, I see you’ve found what’s the problem, and I sense you want to fight it. I know how that feels. There were times when I wanted to the “cowards step”, but I snapped out of it. If I could do it, you can do it too. 😀 Be brave Lieutenant Alyana, because luck follows the brave. Fu** everything, I believe in you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know i am emotional and naive and weak and whatnot. But guess what after everything else i feel like i am far better than alot of people. Because i can feel pain immensely and dont want anybody to go through it.

      Cowards step??

      Thanks nenad for caring and supporting everytime 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    1. It takes courage but when that moment passes you feel you are the most coward person alive.
      I couldnt have easily pass whatever happen at appointment.
      Its the pain of someone that left me shaking and shuddering.
      It will take time to get immune to it.

      Like

      1. I don’t ask to be immune to pain … too high a price. I’m learning to let it to be there, but not to have power over how I live my life. There’s a gimmick you can try: allot one time of the day, say 6 – 6:15 PM, for experiencing your pain. When it comes at other times, just remind yourself you’ll deal with it at 6 and put it off. I know it sounds hokey, but it works, and reminds you who’s boss.

        Liked by 1 person

      1. Initially it starts like that. But with each passing week it becomes easier. We always knew what we were but now through this action we have accepted it. After all as I always say, “Knowing and accepting are two different things”.

        Liked by 2 people

      2. It’s a month long process. But it gives mental relief. Those suicidal thoughts will subside, and then it will be much easier. Your attitude will change in three months completely.
        And trust me it won’t be easy to now break you. So that’s why I said, “Welcome to the club.”

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      3. Well you will with time. Basically we are in the same boat and we are travelling the same path. Just remember this vulnerable feeling. Trust me it helps. It helps a lot.

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  2. Appreciate your comments also mentioning your experience with blogging I’ve been blogging for one month you probably looked at it but it’s socio-political satirical/my poetry biblical investigations and world religion studies my heart for the longest time has been why people believe what they believe I wasn’t ignoring you earlier I was doing something else when you knocked also I had over 120 posts in the first month I know it’s not about quantity but quality

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    1. religion is a very personal matter as long as you are letting people live in peace its alright.

      its definitely about quality. I publish one post a day even though I have hyperactive brain (anxiety issues) I have plenty of material to bombard readers everyday.
      sometimes I post I writing 1 photography post.
      on very rare days I have posts 3..thats maximum.

      I was advised by a senior blogger (he is been blogging since 10 years) that I should post a lot because your content gets lost.
      in fact he said even daily is more than enough.

      well personal preferences..

      Like

      1. Thanks for your religion related comments…you are spot on…I have made a study of world religions for most of my adult life….The spirit of my discussing or telling others what I believe….is done with giving people the room and space to believe whatever they so chose…God is all about Free Will….if asked I will share….if not I just listen….I am good with defending my faith in the same gentle spirit that led me to believe as I do….so I extend to others in the same spirit…..I have learned to discern and not judge….lets leave that up to God…..I think if this principle was part of the current divided cultures in our world…we wouldn’t have the hatred and the ever present destruction thats

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      2. there is theory. then there is practice and what we strongly feel.
        most of us stay with the faith we are born with. I know a simple fact. just let people be if you try to attack anybody else’s believe it will come back to you flying like a boomerang with double the speed.
        in the end humanity is the common ground for all of us. still to the common ground.
        looking for differences (just to prove we are better than other) is pointless.
        I pity people who have nothing else to do than hate and look for reasons to justify their stupid hatred.

        I understand every word of you just said.
        I belong to a religion known for all the wrong reasons. I am a Muslim.

        but in the end humanity is the biggest religion.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I’ve often thought that if every Saturday or Sunday we went to a different belief-system meeting, including gatherings of those who have never believed in any form of higher power, we would all gain, and especially folks who feel their beliefs are THE beliefs. Perhaps once a month, each “belief system” could hold a meeting to explain their particular credo to others who were interested…it’s always struck me as a fixable problem if we weren’t so afraid someone might actually say something that would shake the ground a little under our beliefs!

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Someone WILL say something like that trust me.
        People are sensitive about thier faith. I am too. But i believe in respecting everybody else’s believe.
        Thats the way it should be.
        I have friends here who belong to different faith culture race everything and i end up learning so much.
        This is a perpetual believe system meeting for me. 🙂

        Like

      1. I don’t get that you’re anything near an idiot. I’m learning that all the emails I get are not in response to MY post, so it’s likely you responded to someone else’s post and I got mixed up. You see? Always assume it’s the other fellow whose the idiot — half the time you’ll be right! 😃

        Liked by 2 people

  3. This post, my sweet angel, hurts me to the core. After reading the responses, I’m glad you are better. You, have a beautiful simple way to express yourself to us and we gravitate to you. I’m moved by the beauty I’ve seen in your art and words. I’m not ignoring your pain for like I said, it struck a cord. During my dark hours, I didn’t even have words to alleviate the pain. Just silence. May, somehow, somewhere, someone come and give you comfort. We artist, need one another. I’m here. Don’t give up. Keep drawing and blogging. Sending you my love from a far. May you find a reason to smile and write to tell us about it. Blessings, Lidia

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I didnt mean to hurt you. I am sorry if i did.
      I am moved by the generosity of kindness and support you give me here. This means alot to me.
      I was swinging between silence and screams for at least 4 years..it took me time to look for an outlet.
      I have my friends, myself and you guys.

      Thank you so much Lidia 🙂

      Like

  4. Grey-scale… pain is better in grey… so they say!
    But then, how do I know your suffering?
    How do I dare wonder where your healing will begin?
    Where… not when!

    I wonder… because religion has robbed Faith’s colour.
    Don’t do religion…
    Seek the love of Faith… the faith of Love!
    seek the colour of love!

    The blues… the reds of hurt, love’s hurt!
    The pain of dark blood… against the blue ocean
    orange ochre mauve of love’s light..
    to drive out the grey of doubt!

    The warm fire
    the fire warm… dispel the darkness,
    overcome the grey…
    banish the grayscale of doubt and pain!

    I pray the peace of love
    the peace that washes away
    the pain, the doubt
    the love that purges the greyscale of hurt!

    Liked by 1 person

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