Need Help with Expressing Misery

Somebody needs to teach me how to show anguish.

I am definitely doing it wrong…since forever!

It’s been more than 3 years since I have been battling an autoimmune condition that damaged me in ways more than I could ever imagine.

But there was this problem. Whenever I met people I was just my idiot self, laughing, talking and acting as if nothing happened.

The people who came to see me after my minor surgery thought I didn’t have one, even though I had stitches on my face. Well i must admit my surgeon used really delicate thread to stitch.

It’s ok. This attitude helps that phase to pass without adding further torture. But the after-effects are absurd.

People forget that I am dealing with something that makes me a bit weaker than them.

Lately everybody has assumed a duty to tell me I need to lose weight.

I want to tell them “dude, I just got of steroids few months back after being completely steroid dependant for 2.5 years, I didn’t enjoy gaining all this hideous mass. What do you want me to do?? Take a knife and start slicing the flabs??”

But I don’t

I pity them.

I am standing at a point where I have accepted that our beautiful people are just too brainless to understand and they HAVE TO say something about everything… tell this to yourself every morning..it’s a therapy invented by me.. You’re welcome!

Then when mom left, we had so much to take care of and we couldn’t afford to have a melt-down in front of each other so we were trying our best to look as normal as possible.

And what happened??? yes, you guessed it right!

We are not grieving enough! Or simply we are unaffected by the loss..

Well.

On this part I don’t care about people.

The feeling has started to kick in. I have to go backin a few days and I have started missing her badly now.

But I still can’t show it. I let it out between the little time I get after I wake up and finally crawl out of bed. Or between the time I go to bed and I actually go to sleep.

The rest of the day I am absolutely fine.

But this is not what people want to see I guess.

Like a lot of other things I have started to doubt my ability to express sorrow, even though I was a mercurial level expressive person.

It’s funny I was criticized for that too. Simply labeled “mad”, the easiest word to define anybody you fail to understand.

I don’t know what made me so numb.

But it’s not that bad actually if you stop caring about the audience.

Gives them least to knit stories around.

And Honk??

Really?? Who came up with this??

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48 thoughts on “Need Help with Expressing Misery

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  1. Aaaand you just wrote something that can be labeled as “anguish”. Sorry for my words, but physical activity can let off some steam, help with weight loss, clears your mind and all sorts of things. It doesn’t have to be in public, small repetitive exercise before bedtime or in the morning can mean a lot. I would stay away from the medications at this point, might consider them later on if all attempts of self help prove to be futile… me again with “futile”… Don’t let this be futile. That’s what I tried to say.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thinking of you…sending big hugs your way! Turn to your art…intuitive art is an amazing healing tool. Leave your raw emotions on the paper or canvas. 💚

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I can say only one thing, keep writing how you feel, be honest to yourself what you need and who you need in your life and you will find solution to everything…. in the end you are strong person and can do anything, just really need to believe in it 😎

    Liked by 1 person

  4. You know what? I pity them all too. But I wonder what would happen if you “honked” at them. Gwad…those knitters. Just kidding. Your last lines made me laugh. I think a lot of people felt the same way about the word selection. Sorry to make light of your grief. It’s not supposed to go away. I just wish those who think they are holier then thou would. Hang in there.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ahahahhahahahahaa 😆
      I laughed so hard at this comment. Thank you.
      Its not a bad idea though. I am totally doing that one day. Will stand them all in a line and….HONK! 😆

      i dont know what they think..i just know they are hopeless. I come here vent out, talk to a few friends and i am good again 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Life is too short to worry about what others say. No matter what, even when you don’t need any advice, you will find people throwing their advices/questions. When it comes to grief, again they have their own ideas. Your grief is yours. No one should tell you how to express it. You have your own way of dealing with it and I think writing is one way of expressing it. I liked what you said – ‘beautiful people are just too brainless to understand’. We all have such kind of stupid beautiful people around us.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I can SO understand, let it out anyway you can and want. I’ve learned to stop apologizing. I’m happy you wrote that people must say something about everything, thank you. It’s the judging, people not trying to fully understand even a snippet of my life. People leaving my life. I feel so alone, mad, angry, deeply sad where I question my existence. As my young children watch me-day in and day out. I miss me! They’ll never see the “mommy” I used to be with them. One of my children has Autism and my husband who now takes care of me-is a disabled veteran with tbi. I’ve given up going to doctors appointments. My heart is affected but nothing is being done. Tired of fighting. Why?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know its easy to say that I understand and pass suggestions but honestly nobody can completely understand pain of another person. we can be there for each other. we can believe that the person who has gathered courage to share his/her own pain needs kindness and love.
      thats what I can do for you. I am here to talk and share.
      I can’t imagine what you are dealing with. but if you mustered courage and shared you are a brave person. hang in there.

      let me tell you one thing. a point comes in our lives when we feel tired of fighting and we feel helpless. its that point where we should sit down and give oneself a break. worry less. and deal with things 1 day at a time.
      thats what I am doing. I don’t know whats gonna happen. all I know is that I have to live today.
      it helps 🙂

      Like

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