My life is a sad pathetic joke.
An excruciating tragicomedy, mocking me in my face.
Today is my birthday. My 30th birthday.
Today it’s been 1 whole week without mom. I can’t say without mom as we all feel her presence as if she will appear from any door in her healthy form with some food or ironed cloths or anything. My mom was hyperactive and kept herself busy with chores all the time.
I hardly saw her empty handed.
I have a stack of dairies in front of me filled by mom with recipes, contact numbers, memos, tips and whatnot, that we siblings will distribute. And a whole bag of such dairies are in the study.
Back to the joke life played on me once again.
Few hours back when I couldn’t see my family at home I panicked. I thought they might be planning a surprise and I posted something, but deleted it instantly as they came back without a cake. I saw some bags but no cake. Thank God.
When I came home last week and had to walk on a mosaic of pain and comfort, smiles and tears. I locked my rib cage with a heavy iron lock and swallowed the key…once again!
I couldn’t help thinking about “the dress maker”, as I watched it recently it has deep impressions on my mind.
What is life?
I dress made of patchwork maybe. From embellishments to dusty rag. You can’t detach a single piece. You can’t straighten the innate complexities of the lines sketched on our palms.
I always told my friends my life’s a crazy rollercoaster ride. It has extremely unpredictable sharp violent turns.
And I mean it.
I just survived 8 days without anxiety. A lot was happening. But I don’t know how reality just dived straight into my mind, without evoking ripples. May be reality hasn’t even touched me yet.
I can feel mom’s presence everywhere.
It 1.00 am and I can’t face it.
I just can’t!
I feel I have lost ability to cry. My eyes do get damp, but they are guarding my tears, imprisoning them.
I am a mercurial person, for me to lose ability to cry is inexplicable.
I don’t want to breakdown. And if my family tried to celebrate…I have no idea what I will do.
I am sad mad angry and helpless. My grief is boiling so deep down its steam is dying on the way, failing to reach the surface.
Nobody from family has said “happy birthday” yet and Thank God they haven’t. I think they can’t say the word “happy”.
I already feel like running away and vanishing into the vacuum, that has sucked all my feelings already. I wish I was buried with mom.
I brought a beige dress and had whole look in my mind for this birthday. And I can’t even look at it now.
I don’t know what to do.
Now I am crying..
A few tears managed to break free…just 1 2 tears I guess..and they are so weak they couldn’t even survive the journey to my chin.
What else this loss has weakened, I wonder.
Who would have thought losses could weaken tears.
I have seen a lot in life. A LOT!
But what is this??
This crippling confusion??
This sharp juxtaposition of soul stabbing shrieks and haunting silence.
This fear of the word “happy”??
How long pain manages to hide under the wraps numbness?
I reactivated my facebook to inform relatives and all about mom. But I deactivated yesterday. Didn’t want to put people in the same agonizing dilemma we are facing right now.
It’s just one day.
And this too shall pass…
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