Fear or Aggression?

As strange as this may sound.. That day was as normal as any day of my life. As normal as breathing oxygen drinking water…

I reached the exam center 45 minutes early. No, I am not talking about reporting time. I was there 45 minutes before reporting time.

I found an empty bench in the enormous ground of school and sat on its extreme right. Looking calm and collected, restless inside. And prayed that my friends arrive soon. When I say collected I literally mean compressed in my own self. Legs joined like a mermaid, arms so straight my elbows touch my sides. Everything I had was suffocating in my tight confused grip. Eyes fixated on the floor..motionless.

Every passing minute felt like an eternity.

Suddenly I felt weight on the other end of the bench. Then I heard somebody drop things on the bench. My heartbeat quickened I tried to stay normal. Whatever normal was at that moment.

Then weight added. Another person…

Now there are two of them. I was making mental notes.

I heard somebody talking in soft low voice but there was so much noise in the ground I am still not sure if it was them.

Another weight…right next to me but there was a slight gap between us. I raised my head and looked straight. My jaw tightened so did my grip on my bag.

My senses sharpened, I was on high-alert. I could hear them breathe. And every single breath they took added explosives to my blood. Pinch by pinch.

The legs next to me were wearing grey pants..a student…I didn’t turn to look. The eyes in my ears saw that. People say I can see from my ears and I don’t disagree.

1 move!! 1 move and somebody’s gonna lose a tooth at least.

I heard giggles..hush hush voices..it was them. All 3 of them!

1 move is all I need..

I don’t want to do this please don’t make me… I blinked and my eyes burned as memories Recreated in my mind.

I was fidgeting madly..

Volume increasingI don’t like this!!!

My right ear caught something… my friends laughing like hyenas!!

Well..guess somebody else is losing a tooth!

They were dying laughing as they moved towards me. My stress aggression everything melted away. But now I was annoyed!

Sam: ahahah…look at your face…seriously???

Me: Shut the..where were you guys???

Sam: What??? We are on time sweetheart..actually still early thanks to you!!

Me: You guys are late (I wanted to cry, my voice trembling)

Sam: Jaan there’s still 30 minutes in reporting time. When did you come?? Last night??ahah

Me: Shut up!!

Sam: What happened??… (her smile started to fade and she composed herself. she knows me more than I know myself)

Me: i…I don’t know..i just..(I was stammering again).

Sam  grabbed my shoulders and shook me a little. All this time I totally forgot about people sitting on my bench. Sam and Emm (another friend of mine) were standing right in front of me. And they knew it wasn’t funny anymore. Nobody was laughing.

Sam’s nudge did straighten me a little.

Sam: Did you have a fight??

Me: Not yet!

Sam. Then it’s cool. Ok??

Me: yea..

Sam: lets go to café. We have plenty of time and I am hungry. And I don’t think any of us is revising.

I got up and we walked towards the café. Without looking back.

Copyright © 2017 stoneronarollercoaster – All rights reserved


43 thoughts on “Fear or Aggression?

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    1. Its complicated but i will try to explain. I grew up in a wierd masculine manner. I started helping my dad with work when i was in 5th grade. I enjoyed it. So at home i was always with my dad. I was a tomboy till early teens. Played in street with guys. Lacked feminity in the way i talked behaved and carried myself. I was angry short tempered.
      But then i reached like 16 17 i had to face it this is not how it works. I was emotionaly forced to change my ways as i wasnt girl enough…
      After that i didnt know how to vent it. Whenever i got angry there a battle would start within me. Should i react?? And i would start crying and yelling. The fit of rage was unexplainable. My friends knew how to handle me…
      Before this i had slapped a guy for tapping my shoulder. It was a reflex i couldnt control..
      so the day i am talking about i was more afraid of myself that how i might react. I had serious anger issues.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Actually. This wasnt what i meant to post. What happened later that day is hillarious. Thats what i wanted to post. I went to add backstory to that post and this became a whole new post. And honestly. Thats how i wanted it. Only that moment. Too much details kill the magic at times. A little bit of mystery leave people curious…thinking..

        Liked by 1 person

      2. See. I told you one who wants to find out will find a way. 🙂
        I like things to be open to interpretation. Specially like this moment where i myself have to search deep down the reason of my behavour.

        If i wouldnt tell you what would you have thought??

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Lag gayi bus dil pe. I dont understand. Y do i have to shout it out. I mean seriously.
        I just avoid giving alot of details here i might delete last comment. But seriously y does this happen??

        If i dont talk in a certain specific way or behave..actually pretend that i need to be taken seriously because i did something with my life before my pseudotumor.
        I dont know..
        And no i am fine i am not THAT sensitive.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Hmm, so it seems as if I need to take a session with you, as Dr. Nitesh. 🙂
        First of all, to hell with everyone, just hold your middle finger high in the sky. Second, I understand everything you’re trying to say. And third, no one can walk in your shoes, people just say that so that they’ll feel better about themselves for few pathetic seconds.
        Should I carry on?

        Liked by 1 person

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