I went to have Eid diner with my 911 people (friends). One of them was supposed to pick me and drop me back home.
She came with her husband and a 3 year old little girl and I was supposed to sit in the back with her princess…let’s call her A.
A wore a white frock with a little crown like hair band and glitter shoes (she calls them Cinderella shoes)
I was melting by the warmth of her cute smile…on the other hand I was getting scared…I will explain the second part later.
I got in car and we went to the designated place..it was a bbq place…awesome food!
We met rest of the gang and had a good time and when we all were saying good-byes A came to me.
A: Lala (aunt) are you gonna come with me to my place??
I didn’t know what to say this was the first time she talked to me directly even though I have met her several times and her mom is a good friend of mine.
Me: no sweetheart I will go to my home and will come to meet you tomorrow probably or the day after…
She ran and got lost in the crowd.
2 minutes later there was wailing…laud thunderous wailing…
I looked in the direction of the noise and A was standing there holding her mom’s hand crying..
And then my friend looked at me and gave me some signal that I couldn’t understand (I can’t understand these mom signals), decided I should go check.
I was approaching them I heard “lala is coming with us stop crying” and my heart jumped…
Where do I hide???
Next I knew my friend shoved A’s hand in mine and told me to hold her hand giving me a look, that again I didn’t know.
We said final goodbyes (after saying goodbye like 20 times) and got in car in the same order. This time she had warmed up to me which made me even more nervous…
Let me tell you the reason… before anybody judges me for being not loving enough to kids..
Well. What scares me is attachment. Kids have the purest of souls. When they love you.. they love deeply and can get attached to you. And I have pretty nomadic unpredictable life…in a lot of ways.
The idea of anybody getting attached to me and later on getting hurt when I am not around kills me inside.
This developed a weird fear and I started maintaining a distance with kids.
Well. On the way back she was all chirpy and sweet and giggly (my friend said the ice-cream did it)… singing and dancing with every song (she was actually dancing to the news on television at the restaurant)
Suddenly her eyes grew wide and her arm flung to window pointing at something
A: look white light!
A: there…white lights..its big!!!
Me: where?? (trying to look at what she was pointing at)
A: GOOF ALIFA!!!!
A: GOOOOOOOOOFFFFF ALIFA!!!!
Me: Burj Khalifa???
A: yea…goof alifa!!!
I laughed so hard …
And she was giggling sheepishly covering her face with her tiny hand as if she had told the stupidest joke of the century…
The moment was Priceless…
All my fears were dissolving in the eco of her sweet giggles until we came near my home..
She is a smart kid…she knew we were going to my home not hers … and she started crying again..
Me: what do I do now???
Friend: A!!! lala will come tomorrow or we will go to her place. She has to sleep..
Her tears guilt-tripped me into regretting coming out of my cave at all.
Friend: the moment we reach your gate run and don’t look back…(she whispered to me)
I clutched the handle of the door … As my home got nearer…so did my anxiety..
I made a few clumsy fruitless attempts to calm her down… nothing was working ..
The moment car stopped I got out of car and my friend replaced me.
I ran…and didn’t looked back…could hear her wailing that made me feel so small so miserable..
I got home and let it all sink in..
Where am I wrong???
I didn’t even try to… how did she end up being so close??? Is it time to leave this group??? because there are like 8 10 more kids of this age…what if they all do the same???
I sent my friend a text and asked her how’s A.
She said she was better and she does get attached to people like that there nothing to worry about…
I changed and went to bed in inertia of this emotional roller coaster ride.