Self-worth bulldozed!

People who think you are dying for their attention..

People who take you for granted..

People who have this firm believe that the flow of your love and concern will never stop no matter how they treat you..

Do not deserve you!!!

Learned it the hard way!!

If I tell you I am going through a lot right now.. I will be lying to myself

My life has always been like this… and when it slows down it bothers me even more….so I m ok with this roller coaster ride.

I have a friend…I will still use HAVE…who I literally grew up with playing in the street. (Yup I am one of those girls who used to play with boys in streets)

I love him.. I just love him … there is no other word I would use. He is a very important part of my life and I always made sure he knows it.

I always tried to be there for him no matter what. There were times I would feel bad when I wasn’t able to help but I always tried.

In return he loved me the same way… he cared about me the way very few people do. He is one person who thinks about me and only me when he is giving an advice.

We have laughed together we have cried for each other. We know each other inside out. We have talked about almost everything.

This is so hurtful I don’t believe I am writing this.

Growing up we drifted apart. I get it!

It’s natural … It’s ok

But you know what is painful???

He started taking me for granted.

The first proper tune I learned to play on guitar was happy birthday for him. I played it on his birthday and he loved it. Because I knew he will love it. I wanted to make him feel special. He is a pretty good drummer. Plays darbukka/dumbek really well. So I knew he will love it.

But then it dissolved within minutes.

Whatever I do for him he forgets the next day and behaves like nothing happened.

I gave him a million benefits of doubt… maybe he is busy at work…maybe he is upset about something…maybe he just doesn’t feel like talking right now…maybe he forgot….

But I never stopped.. I never stopped making an effort

Never ever!

I never stopped making him feel loved and cared for.

Recently something serious happened to me and I sent him a message because I assumed he is one of very few people who really care about me…but guess what I got???

He Casually said “you cook up a new misery to get my attention”

Bloody hell!!!?!?!?!

What even….???

I just went dumb and numb…

What the fuck is wrong with him???

Is this what I deserve???

Growing up I was the girl with an undeniable attitude. Now when I am a grown up person I do reach out to people but if they don’t seem to be willing I quietly step back in 2nd 3rd attempt!

With him it has always been different

I have fought for him so many times, never even let him know.

For this day???

This is what I deserve???

Why the fuck would I cook a misery??? He has known me, my friends, my family, my everything throughout my life and I cook stuff???

I m mad at myself more than I am mad at him!

Why did I stoop so low to ruin my own self respect??

Why didn’t I draw a line?

Why didn’t i make him realize I am equally important.

What did I do to myself??

It’s so so infuriating and devastating to take your “misery” to somebody and in return get mocked for it.

I lecture everybody about self-worth and I forgot mine.

This is so stupid. I am ranting like this on my blog. But I need to vent

And I need to keep a memory of what happened.

Few months back I made a list of my friends and wrote how they are treating me.

Pretty weird right??? But I did it!

Because I give my 110%. I give my all. It hit me hard in the gut that I have been going overboard for people who are not even making an effort to stay in touch.

Then I started drawing lines for the sake of my own peace of mind.

But I never categorized him. For him I broke all my rules.

Well..

I have had 2 serious anxiety attacks this week.

And this was the cherry on the icing.

He didn’t deserve all of this. Simple!

I know if I will get one message from him telling me that he is upset about something I will be worried..i will care…I will talk to him and try to make him feel better again!

But I can’t let him or anybody bulldoze my self-worth like this!!

I just can’t!

Not right now at least!

Never!!!

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12 thoughts on “Self-worth bulldozed!

      1. No, these are fake.. A cultural repressive attitude. There is this guy that I met, a feminist. Then the idea of treating women with care, he said.. We both deserve to be treated equally.. And my reply was First at least support them to get that equality and than talk about treatment. No response just Cricket.. Idiot..

        Liked by 1 person

      2. This is not the case here. We have knows each other since 5th grade and he is one of my closest friend since 9th. I know him really well.

        Actually. I have given way too much. And theres a reason. This has happened before and i just stopped talking. We didnt tlk for 2 years and later i got to know he had to go through alot during those 2 years but he didnt tell me. I still feel bad i wasnt there for him when he was facing the worst. Thats y i clung to him after that.

        But this doesnt mean…

        It hurts…

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Ahah i was right. You are monkey behaviour expert!
        No they are a little civilised. They are bring bruaght up nice so no scratching. And they will burn me alive if they see anything crawling on my head.

        I went to my grandmas today and my cousin and thier cousin were there…so it was pretty much like a zoo.

        I literally asked one of my aunts…”what are you guys?? 3d printers???”

        Liked by 1 person

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