I am so fucking miserable right now I can’t even explain

A friend recommended me ‘13 reasons why’, the book, and I call her and said “what the fuck have I done to you?? Why did you do this to me”. She said, “It’s a good book” and I said, “I know it’s brutally, painfully true, it’s good but painful” I was already facing depression and anxiety.

Few days back some guy posted on reddit asking for some quotes he wanted to add to a lyrical suicide note he planned to leave for his family. My comment was…”imagine your family leaving such a note for do you feel now???”

And now this!

Chester Bennington is gone.. He hanged himself… like that news of his death wasn’t heartbreaking enough!

Linkin Park has idol status for a lot of people of my circles. We were addicted to their music all our student life. Something that helped us train to crunch numbers like crazy.

Their songs were anthems of my student life.

Well.. how do I unsee this???

First an icon is gone..

2nd… he took his own life…

I know life sucks! It does

It’s unfair


And unsatisfactory..

But why end it???

If you weren’t supposed to live you would be dead already.

We all have been through a phase when we have contemplated suicide on a serious note at least once.

I have too!

I have a long list valid of reasons to wish I was dead

Final nail was my heath! I have autoimmune, its detail alone required 8- 10 separate posts.

Only thing that prevented me to act was my faith. Suicide is strictly prohibited in Islam. You cannot even think about it. It’s such a big sin. It’s unforgiveable.

The logic behind is hope. You cannot lose hope. You are supposed to believe in God and his might and believe that things will get better.

That’s what stopped me.

It’s easier to escape. Run away.

But it’s not an option

C’mon! think about people we are leaving behind.

I will keep on ranting…

For all of us… please live and let live!

Stop poking your nose in everybody’s lives!

Stop unnecessarily pressurizing youngsters… that’s where the seed is sowed.

Stop bullying!

Stop imposing your opinion and decisions and concepts on everybody else.. our brains haven’t come out of some machine..we all are different.

Let people chose for themselves!

Look around…people may be in need of your help..maybe they are just not asking for it!

Be considerate…it doesn’t kill anybody

And for people who are thinking about ending their lives….

Please please please DON’T!

You have no idea what you leave behind.

It’s devastating to your friends and family.

I know .. Again I know you do have reasons.

But try to fix them.. if you can’t… leave the place and the environment…ignore the problem and its root. Sometimes it works!

In the worst mental state you know what worked… I would force my mind to drift to another place.

A happy place where things are better. Or just an imaginary world.

Sometimes it’s just the matter of time..

This too shall pass…do not lose hope!


I don’t know if I can do anything but if anybody needs a friend, needs to talk to somebody I am always here to lend ears. I don’t have much to do in life I can always listen and talk.

I can go on and on and on…

Please take care of yourselves and people around you.

A little compassion doesn’t hurt.

Copyright © 2017 stoneronarollercoaster – All rights reserved



47 thoughts on “Suicide

  1. i know it’s depressing as hell, the suicide news of Chester and Chris Cornell was shocking, they made me so sad and gloomy.
    i only have one question, why do people give up? I watched 13 reasons why and honestly I can’t get it out of my head. But I think money/success or anything doesn’t matter until and unless you’re happy and contented with yourself

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I too have contemplated at times. My faith helps me. We never know what beauty comes with our next step, our next day. Let us live forever together one minute at a time. I often think about the times I have climbed mountains and been so tired thinking I couldn’t take one more step and then I thought-just one more step and that led to another and then another…the beauty from the top of the mountain was so worth the pain it took to get there. There is always hope-always beauty to be held in our lives. We just have to learn how to wipe away the dirt that this world and others may throw on us-nothing and noone has the power to define our path or our identity except our creator and it is Love that created us and defines us. Thank you for your post!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Twenty-three years ago, my husband (who was a musician) committed suicide. He left in his wake a devastation that I’ll never forget nor will his family. You never forget, you never “get over it”, you just learn to live through it, and in spite of it, find some kind of happiness. In my mind, me being happy is the best gift I can give to him. It was not easy, but I made a conscious decision to do so. I will always carry him with me in my heart and at times, the pain comes through in my writing. But I rise above.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh my God! I just lost my train of thoughts and i am terrible at dealing with such info. I mean i just dont know what to say to you given the gravity of what you just told me.
      Well..i just hope you are ok.
      You sound like a wonderful person. A brave person.
      Nothing can fill that void. But you choosing to at least try to be happy and choosing not to succumb to such huge loss is such a brave thing to do. And thats what he would want. He would want you to be happy i am sure and you are giving him that…its painfully beautiful.
      Just stay stong and never give up. I feel so small saying this to you.
      I am kinda proud to have you around here.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Well, thank you for the kind words. I like being here. And I am okay. I have been married now for 21 years to one of the nicest guys ever. So, life works out. And, I have been put in the path of others who experienced a suicide and was able to help them through my understanding of what they were going through. Perhaps that was part of the grand plan, after all. Out of the ashes…

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Suicide is caused from years of struggling of fighting to survivie. We cannot judge someone else for their death by suicide. We need to be kind to them and we need to be careful and kind to someone that did take their own lives. We should not take our own lives but sometimes the pain is beyond pain you could imagine or have eever known. You have not lived a day in their shoes so you do not know what their pain was like or what state their mind was in. Please do not judge him and do not say it is a selfish act. Stigma is something I am passionate about. We must stop stimga of mental illnes and we must stop the stigma of susicide. Word choice is very important and I believe most all lives lost by suicide are lost from the severe pain of mental illlness. By the time most people have reached the point to choose to die by suicide their mind is not focused on God but it is broken and gone and cannot focus on God anymore. If their mind was still able to focus and pray they would and they would not choose death. This is what I bleilieve. My bipolar 1 disorder and PTSD have been so severe and I have a strong faith, however there have been so many times during my severe illlness that faith and my ability to have faith and hope and any rational thoughts have all but disappearedd, My mind was not able to know Jesus because my mental illness was so severe at the time. However I have been blessed enough to still be alive to somehow by the grace of God to have been saved by HIm. We say that we cannot choose when we die but I believe that if I am or someone is so sick by a mental illness than they did not chooose their own death but their death was caused by disease a disaease of a severely ill brain. Sorry just opiionated on the subject and just truly started rambling on. Just please remember to choose your words carefully. Suicide is not selfish is a place you have never truly been and you have nevere truly known if you were able to fight the thoughts. We must not judge but love all and feel and love those that were in such severe pain that they felt there was no other way for their lives to be but to be gone. Love and hugs. Sue

    Liked by 2 people

    1. First of all i am glad you shared your perspective i always welcome it.

      I am not at all judging them by thier act of suicide. That wasnt my intention. I know its the chain of events that lead to that point where a person who is actually maybe a kind soul would do that. I understand and agree to every word you have written.

      Maybe i havent been in their shoes but i havent shown anybody my shoes yet. My health issues are one of the manageable smaller issues that i have. I know the point where you give up on your faith. When you just give up on everything else.

      I didnt judge them or call them selfish. I m extremely sorry if thats what it looked like.

      You know what? For today’s prompt i wanted to write about my grandpa’s death and how that changed my perspective but i didnt because i was recently in conversation with somebody who was seriously contemplating suicide. I wrote about something else so that he would even see this word right now.

      Well. I feel its our responsibility to extend a hand to the people who are standing on the edge of the cliff. I feel its us who can save them. Even if they have every reason to do so we can and we should help them turn and come back to life. Thats what my intention was and i mean it.

      I keep on saying look around. I keep on saying be compassionate to each other because i know…
      I am doing this with people with mental health issues too..but my own way. I dont come out in the open and do things i am wierdly shy but do it my own way. I just dont want to publish my issues and thier issues here. I really know…

      This is more like a reminder to everybody that i am here. My time my ears are theres.

      As long as far as i can i will and i do.

      May be i am stupid to think like thst but i believe that at that point may be if we can reach out to them or give them our hand our shoulder l. We can save them.

      I am very sensitive about this topic because i have been on both the ends.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Well said. I am sorry if I came across harshly. It was never my intentions. I am very sensitive about the topic for many personal reasons as well and very opinionated as you can tell. Sorry. I am a strong mental illness advocate and give presentations etc. etc. My huge passion in life is to help others as well and that is what life is for. I am sorry I was just being a voice for others that cannot be a voice anymore and also it is imporatant to let people know they are loved and there is so much to live for and that there is hope and that eventually the darkness will be lifted. I understand completely now where you were coming from and why you wrote what you did today. It was well written. I was selfishly writing from a different view and I apologize. Keep writing and helping people. You are awesome and a great blogger. Sorry if I come across too strong with my very opinionated self and words sometimes. There are just a couple of topics I am so passionate about that it comes out too strong or wrong maybe. I am sorry. You are a lovely soul with a beautful heart.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. No no you dont have to apologize. I completely understand. Its ok.

        Its just that this is very sensitive topic.

        If somebody is planning to end thier lives we cant tell them its justified.
        If somebody has taken thier life we understand its not thier fault but we should spread the word that its not ok. Life is tough but it does get better.
        Who knows somebody among us is at that point and when they see rest of the world accepting the reasons….they might you know…

        So we just have to be there for each other. Thats all we can do.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I understand. I think I was very overly sensitive about it because I was in a severe suicidal depression last night and and have been dealing with it for over 25 years. God keeps saving my life and I am happy to be alive even though I have to face daily symptoms. Yes I was in a suicidal depression but I haved what is called bipolar ultraidian rapid ccylcing and I am feeling better now but my mood poles can switch very rapidy. I go from extreme highs to extreme lows with no middle. I have not had depression for quite some time now and I am praying this one passes soon Writing is therpeutic for me asnd distracts me right now. Thank you for your comments. You are awesome .

        Liked by 1 person

      4. BTW I understand what you are saying and you are 100% correct. I was wrong to be saying things in the way I did like that if someione is struggling with it right now. Absolutley wrong to speak to it in the manner I did if someone is struggling with it right now. I was wrong. Sorry if I offended anyone. I guess I was speaking up for families that lost someone to suicide and those that chose suicide. But us survivors must continue to be surviviors and continue on with our fight and battles with depression. We are all strong and are survivors and need to be proud every minute we win the battle of our lives. Life is good and beautful!!!! We are all in this beautiful life together!

        Liked by 2 people

  5. I have experienced suicidal thoughts and no one should feel that way! everyone has a purpose here, it makes me so sad that people think that the only solution is to end their lives. Everyone deserves happiness and everyone will achieve that. If you ever need someone to talk to im here. I know what it feels like. Just know you are not alone ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I don’t often pray expectantly anymore, unless it’s for someone else. I talk to God a lot now, especially when I first wake in the morning. My brain is thinking about all kinds of things and I ask Him, why, how, what, various questions I have about stuff I don’t get or don’t think is fair. I don’t blame God for anything I’ve gone through. It’s man that decides not to keep commandments and hurts others. All I can do is be the light while I can. God bless!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Compassion is what people need in this situation, not judgment. Unless you’ve been there yourself, you can’t understand what it’s like to want to die almost every day. I wish people would stop using the word “coward” too.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. It’s explosive level sensitive as it involves lives. But we need to talk about it. In the comments i have further elaborated my intension behind this post.

        I sense there is a problem. A serious problem. People have started over-sympathizing with the people who have commited suicide in a very wrong way giving all kinds of wrong messege to the people who are already suicidal.
        People who are already losing the grip of hope are pushed over the edge when they see it’s OK!

        Hope you are getting my point.

        We need to spread hope. We need to tell them there’s more to life. Alot of good stuff is waiting in future.

        And we need to listen and understand.. we need to help them strengthen thier grip.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. True..
        Being an anxiety patient i know what are saying.
        I have a 3 year long medical history of a pseudotumor, autoimmune, steroids, immune suppressants, radiotherapy, a minor surgery, serious anxiety and depression…. so i know what you are saying 🙂

        You wanna know a secret???
        We can’t always wait hope and wish for people to pull us out … we really need to be strong. We need to hold that helping hand people are extending towards us.

        And above all we need to have believe that it’s going to be ok because we can fix this.

        I never meant to blame somebody. I am sorry if i did sound like that anywhere.

        We need to be compasionate to other and our own selves.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. But that’s partly where the problem lies. Some people DO need some form of intervention. Loneliness itself is a killer. Hope is a currency that many people simply run out of after a while. Or people feel three’s too much stigma to even try to reach out for help. Either way, attitudes need to radically change, or more people will commit suicide, as we are becoming increasingly isolated

        Liked by 1 person

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