I urge you read this post in conjunction with another one on the same subject. Ask for help! (that i wrote 2 months later)

I am so fucking miserable right now I can’t even explain

A friend recommended me ‘13 reasons why’, the book, and I call her and said “what the fuck have I done to you?? Why did you do this to me”. She said, “It’s a good book” and I said, “I know it’s brutally, painfully true, it’s good but painful” I was already facing depression and anxiety.

Few days back some guy posted on reddit asking for some quotes he wanted to add to a lyrical suicide note he planned to leave for his family. My comment was…”imagine your family leaving such a note for do you feel now???”

And now this!

Chester Bennington is gone.. He hanged himself… like that news of his death wasn’t heartbreaking enough!

Linkin Park has idol status for a lot of people of my circles. We were addicted to their music all our student life. Something that helped us train to crunch numbers like crazy.

Their songs were anthems of my student life.

Well.. how do I unsee this???

First an icon is gone..

2nd… he took his own life…

I know life sucks! It does

It’s unfair


And unsatisfactory..

But why end it???

If you weren’t supposed to live you would be dead already.

We all have been through a phase when we have contemplated suicide on a serious note at least once.

I have too!

I have a long list valid of reasons to wish I was dead

Final nail was my heath! I have autoimmune, its detail alone required 8- 10 separate posts.

Only thing that prevented me to act was my faith. Suicide is strictly prohibited in Islam. You cannot even think about it. It’s such a big sin. It’s unforgiveable.

The logic behind is hope. You cannot lose hope. You are supposed to believe in God and his might and believe that things will get better.

That’s what stopped me.

It’s easier to escape. Run away.

But it’s not an option

C’mon! think about people we are leaving behind.

I will keep on ranting…

For all of us… please live and let live!

Stop poking your nose in everybody’s lives!

Stop unnecessarily pressurizing youngsters… that’s where the seed is sowed.

Stop bullying!

Stop imposing your opinion and decisions and concepts on everybody else.. our brains haven’t come out of some machine..we all are different.

Let people chose for themselves!

Look around…people may be in need of your help..maybe they are just not asking for it!

Be considerate…it doesn’t kill anybody

And for people who are thinking about ending their lives….

Please please please DON’T!

You have no idea what you leave behind.

It’s devastating to your friends and family.

I know .. Again I know you do have reasons.

But try to fix them.. if you can’t… leave the place and the environment…ignore the problem and its root. Sometimes it works!

In the worst mental state you know what worked… I would force my mind to drift to another place.

A happy place where things are better. Or just an imaginary world.

Sometimes it’s just the matter of time..

This too shall pass…do not lose hope!


I don’t know if I can do anything but if anybody needs a friend, needs to talk to somebody I am always here to lend ears. I don’t have much to do in life I can always listen and talk.

I can go on and on and on…

Please take care of yourselves and people around you.

A little compassion doesn’t hurt.

Copyright © 2017 stoneronarollercoaster – All rights reserved



103 thoughts on “Suicide

  1. i know it’s depressing as hell, the suicide news of Chester and Chris Cornell was shocking, they made me so sad and gloomy.
    i only have one question, why do people give up? I watched 13 reasons why and honestly I can’t get it out of my head. But I think money/success or anything doesn’t matter until and unless you’re happy and contented with yourself

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I too have contemplated at times. My faith helps me. We never know what beauty comes with our next step, our next day. Let us live forever together one minute at a time. I often think about the times I have climbed mountains and been so tired thinking I couldn’t take one more step and then I thought-just one more step and that led to another and then another…the beauty from the top of the mountain was so worth the pain it took to get there. There is always hope-always beauty to be held in our lives. We just have to learn how to wipe away the dirt that this world and others may throw on us-nothing and noone has the power to define our path or our identity except our creator and it is Love that created us and defines us. Thank you for your post!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Twenty-three years ago, my husband (who was a musician) committed suicide. He left in his wake a devastation that I’ll never forget nor will his family. You never forget, you never “get over it”, you just learn to live through it, and in spite of it, find some kind of happiness. In my mind, me being happy is the best gift I can give to him. It was not easy, but I made a conscious decision to do so. I will always carry him with me in my heart and at times, the pain comes through in my writing. But I rise above.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh my God! I just lost my train of thoughts and i am terrible at dealing with such info. I mean i just dont know what to say to you given the gravity of what you just told me.
      Well..i just hope you are ok.
      You sound like a wonderful person. A brave person.
      Nothing can fill that void. But you choosing to at least try to be happy and choosing not to succumb to such huge loss is such a brave thing to do. And thats what he would want. He would want you to be happy i am sure and you are giving him that…its painfully beautiful.
      Just stay stong and never give up. I feel so small saying this to you.
      I am kinda proud to have you around here.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Well, thank you for the kind words. I like being here. And I am okay. I have been married now for 21 years to one of the nicest guys ever. So, life works out. And, I have been put in the path of others who experienced a suicide and was able to help them through my understanding of what they were going through. Perhaps that was part of the grand plan, after all. Out of the ashes…

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Suicide is caused from years of struggling of fighting to survivie. We cannot judge someone else for their death by suicide. We need to be kind to them and we need to be careful and kind to someone that did take their own lives. We should not take our own lives but sometimes the pain is beyond pain you could imagine or have eever known. You have not lived a day in their shoes so you do not know what their pain was like or what state their mind was in. Please do not judge him and do not say it is a selfish act. Stigma is something I am passionate about. We must stop stimga of mental illnes and we must stop the stigma of susicide. Word choice is very important and I believe most all lives lost by suicide are lost from the severe pain of mental illlness. By the time most people have reached the point to choose to die by suicide their mind is not focused on God but it is broken and gone and cannot focus on God anymore. If their mind was still able to focus and pray they would and they would not choose death. This is what I bleilieve. My bipolar 1 disorder and PTSD have been so severe and I have a strong faith, however there have been so many times during my severe illlness that faith and my ability to have faith and hope and any rational thoughts have all but disappearedd, My mind was not able to know Jesus because my mental illness was so severe at the time. However I have been blessed enough to still be alive to somehow by the grace of God to have been saved by HIm. We say that we cannot choose when we die but I believe that if I am or someone is so sick by a mental illness than they did not chooose their own death but their death was caused by disease a disaease of a severely ill brain. Sorry just opiionated on the subject and just truly started rambling on. Just please remember to choose your words carefully. Suicide is not selfish is a place you have never truly been and you have nevere truly known if you were able to fight the thoughts. We must not judge but love all and feel and love those that were in such severe pain that they felt there was no other way for their lives to be but to be gone. Love and hugs. Sue

    Liked by 2 people

    1. First of all i am glad you shared your perspective i always welcome it.

      I am not at all judging them by thier act of suicide. That wasnt my intention. I know its the chain of events that lead to that point where a person who is actually maybe a kind soul would do that. I understand and agree to every word you have written.

      Maybe i havent been in their shoes but i havent shown anybody my shoes yet. My health issues are one of the manageable smaller issues that i have. I know the point where you give up on your faith. When you just give up on everything else.

      I didnt judge them or call them selfish. I m extremely sorry if thats what it looked like.

      You know what? For today’s prompt i wanted to write about my grandpa’s death and how that changed my perspective but i didnt because i was recently in conversation with somebody who was seriously contemplating suicide. I wrote about something else so that he would even see this word right now.

      Well. I feel its our responsibility to extend a hand to the people who are standing on the edge of the cliff. I feel its us who can save them. Even if they have every reason to do so we can and we should help them turn and come back to life. Thats what my intention was and i mean it.

      I keep on saying look around. I keep on saying be compassionate to each other because i know…
      I am doing this with people with mental health issues too..but my own way. I dont come out in the open and do things i am wierdly shy but do it my own way. I just dont want to publish my issues and thier issues here. I really know…

      This is more like a reminder to everybody that i am here. My time my ears are theres.

      As long as far as i can i will and i do.

      May be i am stupid to think like thst but i believe that at that point may be if we can reach out to them or give them our hand our shoulder l. We can save them.

      I am very sensitive about this topic because i have been on both the ends.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Well said. I am sorry if I came across harshly. It was never my intentions. I am very sensitive about the topic for many personal reasons as well and very opinionated as you can tell. Sorry. I am a strong mental illness advocate and give presentations etc. etc. My huge passion in life is to help others as well and that is what life is for. I am sorry I was just being a voice for others that cannot be a voice anymore and also it is imporatant to let people know they are loved and there is so much to live for and that there is hope and that eventually the darkness will be lifted. I understand completely now where you were coming from and why you wrote what you did today. It was well written. I was selfishly writing from a different view and I apologize. Keep writing and helping people. You are awesome and a great blogger. Sorry if I come across too strong with my very opinionated self and words sometimes. There are just a couple of topics I am so passionate about that it comes out too strong or wrong maybe. I am sorry. You are a lovely soul with a beautful heart.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. No no you dont have to apologize. I completely understand. Its ok.

        Its just that this is very sensitive topic.

        If somebody is planning to end thier lives we cant tell them its justified.
        If somebody has taken thier life we understand its not thier fault but we should spread the word that its not ok. Life is tough but it does get better.
        Who knows somebody among us is at that point and when they see rest of the world accepting the reasons….they might you know…

        So we just have to be there for each other. Thats all we can do.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I understand. I think I was very overly sensitive about it because I was in a severe suicidal depression last night and and have been dealing with it for over 25 years. God keeps saving my life and I am happy to be alive even though I have to face daily symptoms. Yes I was in a suicidal depression but I haved what is called bipolar ultraidian rapid ccylcing and I am feeling better now but my mood poles can switch very rapidy. I go from extreme highs to extreme lows with no middle. I have not had depression for quite some time now and I am praying this one passes soon Writing is therpeutic for me asnd distracts me right now. Thank you for your comments. You are awesome .

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Thank you very much for sharing this with me. Sorry it took so long for me to get to it. I feel very honored that you shared this with me. Feel free to email me anytime you may want to or need to. That way the information will be private between only you and I. Thank you again for sharing. I am sure that it must have been hard for you. You are a very strong and brave survivor and person. I am sorry you are going through and have gone through so many struggles. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers dear. Hugs. Sue

        Liked by 1 person

      5. BTW I understand what you are saying and you are 100% correct. I was wrong to be saying things in the way I did like that if someione is struggling with it right now. Absolutley wrong to speak to it in the manner I did if someone is struggling with it right now. I was wrong. Sorry if I offended anyone. I guess I was speaking up for families that lost someone to suicide and those that chose suicide. But us survivors must continue to be surviviors and continue on with our fight and battles with depression. We are all strong and are survivors and need to be proud every minute we win the battle of our lives. Life is good and beautful!!!! We are all in this beautiful life together!

        Liked by 2 people

  5. I have experienced suicidal thoughts and no one should feel that way! everyone has a purpose here, it makes me so sad that people think that the only solution is to end their lives. Everyone deserves happiness and everyone will achieve that. If you ever need someone to talk to im here. I know what it feels like. Just know you are not alone ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I don’t often pray expectantly anymore, unless it’s for someone else. I talk to God a lot now, especially when I first wake in the morning. My brain is thinking about all kinds of things and I ask Him, why, how, what, various questions I have about stuff I don’t get or don’t think is fair. I don’t blame God for anything I’ve gone through. It’s man that decides not to keep commandments and hurts others. All I can do is be the light while I can. God bless!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Compassion is what people need in this situation, not judgment. Unless you’ve been there yourself, you can’t understand what it’s like to want to die almost every day. I wish people would stop using the word “coward” too.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. It’s explosive level sensitive as it involves lives. But we need to talk about it. In the comments i have further elaborated my intension behind this post.

        I sense there is a problem. A serious problem. People have started over-sympathizing with the people who have commited suicide in a very wrong way giving all kinds of wrong messege to the people who are already suicidal.
        People who are already losing the grip of hope are pushed over the edge when they see it’s OK!

        Hope you are getting my point.

        We need to spread hope. We need to tell them there’s more to life. Alot of good stuff is waiting in future.

        And we need to listen and understand.. we need to help them strengthen thier grip.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. True..
        Being an anxiety patient i know what are saying.
        I have a 3 year long medical history of a pseudotumor, autoimmune, steroids, immune suppressants, radiotherapy, a minor surgery, serious anxiety and depression…. so i know what you are saying 🙂

        You wanna know a secret???
        We can’t always wait hope and wish for people to pull us out … we really need to be strong. We need to hold that helping hand people are extending towards us.

        And above all we need to have believe that it’s going to be ok because we can fix this.

        I never meant to blame somebody. I am sorry if i did sound like that anywhere.

        We need to be compasionate to other and our own selves.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. But that’s partly where the problem lies. Some people DO need some form of intervention. Loneliness itself is a killer. Hope is a currency that many people simply run out of after a while. Or people feel three’s too much stigma to even try to reach out for help. Either way, attitudes need to radically change, or more people will commit suicide, as we are becoming increasingly isolated

        Liked by 1 person

      1. Once somebody said something exceptionally horrible to me. And i was already going through alot.
        I said ‘ look i dont have time and energy for this’ i got up went to watch a good movie then wrote a review with my complete peace of mind…that destroyed that person. 😆

        I m actually proud of myself for doing it at that time.

        Liked by 1 person

  8. I totally agree. Committing suicide affects everyone around you. It puts everyone around you in mental and emotional depression. Like you said, people need to have faith that things will get better one day

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Words are very important. We need to be sensitive to word usage and we cannot blame or shame someone who died by suicide because suicide can be a severe symptom of a very severe mental illness. You do not blame or shame someone if they died from cancer. People who die by suicide do not want to die and do not choose death. Their brains are so sick and diseased at the time of their death that there was no rational thinking capable at the time most of the time. We need to reduce the stigma of mental illness and reduce the shame behind stigma associated with suicide. We need to think of the families and the words we use when it comes to those who are suicide loss survivors. You cannot talk yourself out of having a severe depression if it is a true clinical depression. Depression is not the same thing as feeling sad. Thinking positive thoughts does not cure true depression or bipolar depression etc. It can help but it doesn’t completely cure it and make it not happen. By the way I love Chester Bennington and his death saddened me greatly. It saddened me deeply because I can relate to the pain he lived with endured his entire life. Plus he will be greatly missed. RIP Chester Bennington. I hope I did not come across too harsh, but I was just trying to help. Hugs, Sue

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Blaming and shaming what never my intension. We talked about that when you commented on the same post earlier. The sole purpose of this post was to tell people to not leave that last strand of hope. It was intended to stop people who are considering suicide as an option . Hope was all i wanted to talk about and worth of life. Which actually have work in 2 3 cases. I was actually able to talk people out of this.

      Now the words. I may be wrong there. I will redraft the whole thing.


      1. Sorry I didn’t remember commenting before. Very sorry. I’m sorry. I’m just very sensitive about stigma etc. And now I just spent a month researching and writing soon to be posted 30
        posts about suicide. I’m no expert or anything. I am sometimes very opinionated about mental illness and stigma related topics. Sorry. Plus I’m overly sensitive. I’m happy you were able to help so may people. You are doing great things. Keep it up.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Sweetheart first of all know that there are alot of us. And its better we talk about it wherever we are comfortable.

      Here is link to another post of mine do read it.

      I have mentioned a blogger who is working towards educating about it.

      When i wrote this post i had no idea what it is to be suicidal. Until i experienced something that i mentioned in the blog post in the link.

      Read it. And let me know. And read the comments too. Its a wonderful place people care here.


  10. I often say killing yourself is the hardest thing to do. As humans, we spend our whole lives fighting to stay alive and move as far away from death as possible. For someone to take that plunge to walk towards death at their own volition is very courageous. I hate it when people who commit suicide are called cowards by others who have no idea what it takes to get someone there.
    The next common statement is often ‘think of your family’. I do. Most suicidal people do. And so often we hold on through the pain and struggles we deal with every day because we ARE thinking of others.It is an added burden that we get to carry every time we feel the world is crushing us down. I think of my family and friends and I hold on no matter how hard the current is pushing at me. At some point though, I will let go. And it will not be a selfish act where I will be out to hurt anyone. It will be because I will not have any will to fight against the current anymore.
    PS: I am not encouraging suicide. I’m just giving the perspective from a suicidal person’s point of view.


      1. A person who commits suicide is not selfish or a coward. A suicidal person is already struggling with so much the last thing they need is to get this kind of judgment from others. That is my point.


      2. and i would like to know where have i used the word coward i have re-read my post a thousand times i cant find it.

        if there’s something i need to change. just clearly tell me i will to it. and i will be thankful.

        i am asking you. where do i sound judgmental specifically?? i am all willing to correct myself

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Hi. I don’t think I read the ‘coward’ line from your post specifically. I had read a few posts with the same tone and I think I let a bit of my anger pour out on my response to your post.

        I am very sensitive right now and my anger was not really to your post alone but to most of the posts that are trying to be helpful to people on the brink. I have been thinking about this all day and wondering if I was too harsh on you and now I see this comment and I am tearing up. I voiced out my opinion because you were receptive in the other comments I read and I thought your response answered me well enough.

        There are those who will find this post very helpful, and I would not want to deny them that. I frankly don’t know how you would change it to make it sound less judgmental to me. Words can mean so little to one person and carry a huge weight to another. I am grateful for your willingness to dialogue.


      4. Hey i am sorry if my comment made u cry i didnt mean to.
        Everytime i decide to remove this post somebody reached for a little bit if sharing (a little bit of care and talk) thats y i dont remove it.

        When i write something i take responsibility of my words. So i am always willing to change if i have written something that cause pain or discomfort to anybody.

        I will soften the tone of this post once i figure what am i doing wrong. And i am still willing to listen and consider any advice. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  11. After reading all this, all I can say is, thank you.
    For putting it out there for people to read and try to understand. For being you, and being honest, and not sugar coating it.

    Everyone reacts differently when someone puts their thoughts like this out there, but for every person who gets offended or triggered, there’s someone who sees the same pain in someone else, and it helps.

    So thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Sorry? What’s this pic about?! ARE U JOKING?
    SUICIDE IS THE END. The end of everything. When you are a suicidal, u don’t think about other’s pain CAUSE your suicide will be the end of everyone’s pain. In our mind, this is suicide.
    Not make other suffer again.
    Not suffer again.
    That’s all.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. ok. lets talk about it.
      i know what i posted and it wasnt a joke. i was never meant to be a joke. because i have been suicidal and i know plenty of people who could end thier lives including me myself.

      so let me explain. i just talked to my dad. read my latest post for further details. in short my mom is a last stage cancer patient and she is in extreme pain right now.
      i have a psedotumor (autoimmune).
      so definitely by no means i live in heaven.
      today it was extremely painful to know what my mom is going through. and this is causing all of us something we can never put in words.

      we are the people around her. and we want her to stay. not that we like to see her suffer. not that we like ourself to suffer. we just hope. maybe maybe she will outlive all of us.
      what if she lives a few days more and these few days become most peaceful loved days of her life.
      its about hope. we are hopeful and we are giving her hope.
      a reliable hospital gave her 3 months its been 2 years she is fighting she travelled 2 countries. had she taken her life hearing this news would she be able to enjoy these two trip?? would we be able to see her smile and enjoy??

      now to another point. if you think you are trouble for people and they dont want you around you can go somewhere and start a new life. starts are always shaky but they are not impossible.
      and if you cannot do that you can always wait for time to pass. trust me sometimes its just the time that sucks. once that time that phase passes good things do happen.

      sometimes you just need better people around you.

      you can talk. talking helps. i added a link to another post in the same post (ask for help) please do read it.
      you can talk to friends. let it out.
      you can talk to me if you want. drop me a message through contact form.

      but talk to somebody. this is really nice place. since you are here you will find good people who are suicidal on serious levels.

      a little hope, a little patience. or just tell me if you want may be you just need to talk.


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